Back online, FINALLY.

*mad*

Internet went out. Completely, totally, all-or-nothing out. I was SO PISSED. I wondered what I would do all day and night without the internet. The answer: nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I tried to blog from my cell. That was a big, fat fail. I tried to blog from email from my phone (which explains the awkward partial post below). Also a tremendous fail. I gave up.

So, what's new? Not much. Still hurt, still home. My fmla leave from work ends on Monday, and I am no closer to having any answers about what's wrong with me or how to treat it than I was the first of March. It's incredibly frustrating to have constant pain and be so limited in what I can do and not have any answers.

I also am beginning to feel like I am losing advocates as far as doctors go. My doctor keeps sending me to surgeons to try to get answers, but they keep blowing me off because they don't see anything on my mri or xrays. My pain management doc had been really helpful and optimistic the last few times I visited, but this most recent visit, he seemed very disconnected. He prescribed me a medication that seems to be primarily for epileptics, so it seems like he is trying to block my nerve responses. He also has scheduled me for a nerve conduction study, whatever that is.

I have not started the medicine yet. This is the first time I have done this. I am concerned about the side effects, and moreso that he didn't really discuss the medicine with me before prescribing it. He just sort of said he was going to "try something" and then the nurse gave it to me when I was ready to go. She's the one who told me to call them if I had "a lot of side effects". Reading the packet insert and the cautions online really spooked me.

It's not that I wouldn't take it if it would help, but I guess I just need more conversation with the doctor first. This is one of those medications that you cannot just stop taking. You have to slowly build up your dosage, and if you need or want to stop taking it, you have to be "weaned" off of it. That's one of my fears with medication, and why I have tried very hard to avoid taking any hardcore narcotics for pain. So I will update as soon as I make a decision about this.

On to happier news: Tyler's last day of school is Tuesday, and he will then officially be a FIFTH grader. Can someone please explain to me when I got old enough to have a fifth grader? I don't feel 30, even though I am.

*pout*

He has been doing very well this year. I know he is excited to be in fifth grade. He is MORE excited to have summer vacation. It looks like we will be spending it together, at least in part.

Matt is doing very well in this phase of school, too. This is the baking phase, so we have been getting very spoiled with goodies and treats most nights. He has a paper due on Monday. An official college paper. As in four pages, double spaced, citations, etc. etc. He hasn't even started it yet!! He wants me to help him, and I will proofread, of course, but he's going to be bumming tomorrow night when he still has more than half of the work ahead of him! I have a feeling this will be one of those things that he will be doing right up until the class starts lol. Aren't most college papers that way? Ce la vie!

Ok so now that I am online again, I will think of something positive/optimistic to post tonight, and will be posting again daily. So happy to be back!!

xoxox
~Erica

So be careful what you complain about. That's our lesson today.

I complaines yesterday that my wireless adapter waa out.

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Thunderstorms and computer problems!!

I missed a post yesterday. I couldn't get online! This laptop is cheap and ancient, and we had to buy a wireless router and usb adapter just to get online wirelessly. Why would we bother? Well, the input for the internet cable on the laptop is loose/bad, so it's incredibly frustrating to use it wired.

Ever since we got the wireless usb adapter, it's been problematic. I don't know if it's actually the adapter itself, or if the laptop is unable to process the amount of data it's bringing in through the usb port...I'm FAR from an expert at computers. All I know is when we try to stream music or videos, the laptop overheats and shuts down. And we will get an error message from time to time saying the laptop shut down because of the usb port. And now it won't work, at all. It keeps saying that there is unrecognized something in the usb drive. Basically, it's not recognizing the wireless adapter any longer, so it's kaput.

So, didn't really miss anything while I was offline. My grandmother is having hip replacement surgery next Monday. I'm happy for her, but nervous. I also have scheduled to meet with yet ANOTHER orthopedic surgeon next Tuesday. I met with my primary care doctor on Monday and we agreed that I have not made much progress and something is definitely not right here. I think I am just going to have to lay all my cards on the table with this doctor. I just don't feel like I am being "heard", if that makes any sense.

And above and beyond the frustration of making no progress, and the physical and emotional exhaustion of being in constant pain with no reliable source of relief, I am running out of FMLA leave time. The doctor and I have to make some sort of decisions about both my short term treatment plans, and my long term treatment options. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me, but something is VERY wrong. I need some sort of relief and I need it NOW. I do have an appointment with the pain management doctor next Wednesday, and I am going to implore upon him to attempt something more aggressive, if necessary.

I have been utterly miserable the last three days. I have been incredibly unpleasant to deal with as a result. I am not sleeping at night and I cannot find a tolerable position- sitting, lying down, nothing. I can't take much more of this. I keep saying that, but it feels like empty threats, because really- what choice do I have but to take it? I'm running out of optimism, though.

So we have had some wild thunderstorms in the area today and tonight. As a child, I hated thunderstorms because lightening had struck the outside wall of my bedroom as a child. But as I have gotten older and have begun to feel more connected to nature and energy, I really have begun to love them.

I love the energy of a thunderstorm, and I really love the rain. I see rain as a very cleansing and purifying force now. I love the smell, sound, and sight of rain. So it's been interesting to me. I left the patio door open this afternoon to listen to and watch the sideways rain, but tonight the storm was far too severe. And since Matt has lived through virtually every natural disaster, he is (understandably) fearful of storms, so we closed the door.

I was talking to someone through Twitter yesterday who is going through a very hard time right now. I think she is really amazing and talented, and I wish we were close friends, but we're not. I was trying to lift her spirits and in the process, sort of reminded myself of a few things. One of them being: sometimes the hidden pathways are the most beautiful and fruitful for our journeys. Moreso than the marked and expected pathways. And every experience we encounter, whether good or bad, successful or failure, help shape who we are as people. I would not be who I am today without everything I have been through. While it is hard for me to understand why I have to suffer like this, I have to trust there is a reason for it, and try to find the beauty in the journey.

Ok, let me try to put my misery aside and share something I am thankful for today...Today, I am thankful for the healing power and energy of nature. I hope to be able to tap into it for both myself and my Nana to help us both recover as quickly and completely as possible. And I am thankful that I am able to experience and appreciate the amazing forces of nature through sight, smell, and sound, as some cannot.

I am truly thankful for the ability to appreciate the beauty of the storm, and the beauty of my journey.

Mother's Day 2009

Mother's Day started out earlier today than I'm used to. I like to sleep in on Mother's Day, but I ended up with my brother Dale as a last-minute overnight guest. Which meant I had to get up when they did, because Tyler and Dale have a long history of getting into trouble together. It was nice for the boys to see each other, though, and my Dad picked Dale up by 10:00 am, so it was back to peace and quiet in no time. Matt was working today, of course. Can't imagine a country club being slow on Mother's Day. So that left Tyler and I alone for the day.

We just hung out at home. Since I didn't get to sleep in, I was determined to stay in my pjs as long as possible, and I accomplished my goal! When Matt got off work, he called to ask what I wanted for dinner. I asked if he was going to pick something up on the way home, or if he was willing to cook for me. He said he would cook, so I was thrilled! I told him that all I really wanted was steak, potatoes, and a dark green salad.

So while the other mothers went out to eat, waiting for a table, dealing with the masses, I got to have my steak dinner in the comfort and quiet of my own home, IN MY PAJAMAS haha. I got ribeye steak, roasted potatoes, a romaine salad with shredded mozzarella cheese and italian dressing. YUM. And, for dessert, a surprise: vanilla ice cream on shortcake with a home made strawberry sauce!





















It was SO GOOD. Then, when I dropped Tyler off at his Dad's, he had a gift for me (in addition to the marigolds from Friday). He gave me this sheet he had written at school for a contest sponsored by Dierbergs. I read it, and of course, cried. (Click to enlarge).


































So, today, I am thankful for my son and Matt, for making this day so special for me. It was everything I wanted and then some. I am so proud of the people they are. Tyler for being so sweet, bright, funny, and genuinely thoughtful. And Matt for being such a good guy, always keeping me laughing, and for having the courage and ability to follow through on his life long dream of becoming a chef. He is doing incredibly well in school and will be a wonderful chef very soon!

xoxox
~Erica

Must be baseball season...

The weather was amazing today. I wish I was well enough to really get out and enjoy it. The closest I come these days is opening the windows and getting fresh air in the house. I do try to go out every now and then with the dogs, but they tend to pull at the leash, and I can't handle that just yet.

Tyler had a baseball game tonight. He actually played against the kids he played with last year (it's a long story, but hopefully it will have a happy ending next season). I wish I could tolerate sitting at an entire game, but about 20 minutes in on the metal bleachers, my back is screaming at me. I went tonight because my cousin Leslie was playing on the field behind Tyler's right before his game, so my Aunt, Grandma, and even Dad and brother Dale were all there. I didn't last as long as I wish I could have, but I didn't feel as bad because my Grandma and her bad hip didn't last long, either.

Something about youth baseball that brings out the crazies, though. I think I have it figured out every now and then, but essentially I think it's parents who have nowhere else to take out their aggressions. Can't take it out at work, they'll lose their job. Can't take it out on the kids, someone would call CPS. So they scream at each other, coaches, and the umps at the games. Sucks for the kids, really. I saw it when my brother played ball growing up, and I see it now with Tyler and the kids his age.

Today, I am thankful that Tyler does not seem to be affected or weighed down by the screaming and negativity of other people, and genuinely just has fun while he plays. I am thankful that, no matter what happens on the field or at the plate, he comes out of the dugout smiling every time. I'm very proud of him for having the clarity to know what really matters.

Hope everyone has a Happy Mother's Day tomorrow. I plan on sleeping in, staying in my pjs as long as I can, and hopefully, Matt will cook me a wonderful dinner tomorrow night!!

xoxox
~Erica

The start of something new!

Hi everyone reading!

Now that I have more free time (thanks, unexpected back injury!!), I thought I should start blogging again.

I used to blog pretty frequently on LJ, but once I started working full time, I decided to take a breather. That, and I had managed to attract some pretty unsavory people that I needed to try to lose, so to speak.

A couple of makeup gurus that I follow on Youtube have Blogger accounts, so I thought this must be a pretty good place to start out.

I am going to try to update every day, something, at least. I don't know that I'll always be able to do that, but I really feel like I need to spend some time writing. And I'd like to end every day with commenting on something I am thankful for. I have been through a lot of negative experiences recently, so I am trying to be optimistic.

The "about me":
I'm 30
Live in St. Louis, MO (hence the blog name)
I have a son who is ten
I love makeup (way too much lately)


So on with the show, then!!

Sunday is Mother's Day. I don't have anything special planned yet. I told Matt that I wanted him to make me dinner. Steak and potatoes, please! And now that he knows how to make cheesecake like an actual pro, I am hoping for that, too.

Tyler stopped by late this afternoon with a potted plant. It was the sweetest thing I have ever seen! It's little potted Marigolds like you buy outside the grocery store. I am going to have to make an honest effort to NOT kill them. I have a bad habit of killing plants.

Today, I am thankful for Pizza Hut. Lame, I know. But we ordered tonight and it was SO yummy. I should revise and say I am thankful for the financial ability to order and enjoy Pizza Hut tonight. That's what I am really thankful for.

Let me know what, if anything, you have planned for Mother's Day, and what you might be thankful for today!

xoxox
~Erica