Ever since we got the wireless usb adapter, it's been problematic. I don't know if it's actually the adapter itself, or if the laptop is unable to process the amount of data it's bringing in through the usb port...I'm FAR from an expert at computers. All I know is when we try to stream music or videos, the laptop overheats and shuts down. And we will get an error message from time to time saying the laptop shut down because of the usb port. And now it won't work, at all. It keeps saying that there is unrecognized something in the usb drive. Basically, it's not recognizing the wireless adapter any longer, so it's kaput.
So, didn't really miss anything while I was offline. My grandmother is having hip replacement surgery next Monday. I'm happy for her, but nervous. I also have scheduled to meet with yet ANOTHER orthopedic surgeon next Tuesday. I met with my primary care doctor on Monday and we agreed that I have not made much progress and something is definitely not right here. I think I am just going to have to lay all my cards on the table with this doctor. I just don't feel like I am being "heard", if that makes any sense.
And above and beyond the frustration of making no progress, and the physical and emotional exhaustion of being in constant pain with no reliable source of relief, I am running out of FMLA leave time. The doctor and I have to make some sort of decisions about both my short term treatment plans, and my long term treatment options. I honestly don't know what's wrong with me, but something is VERY wrong. I need some sort of relief and I need it NOW. I do have an appointment with the pain management doctor next Wednesday, and I am going to implore upon him to attempt something more aggressive, if necessary.
I have been utterly miserable the last three days. I have been incredibly unpleasant to deal with as a result. I am not sleeping at night and I cannot find a tolerable position- sitting, lying down, nothing. I can't take much more of this. I keep saying that, but it feels like empty threats, because really- what choice do I have but to take it? I'm running out of optimism, though.
So we have had some wild thunderstorms in the area today and tonight. As a child, I hated thunderstorms because lightening had struck the outside wall of my bedroom as a child. But as I have gotten older and have begun to feel more connected to nature and energy, I really have begun to love them.
I love the energy of a thunderstorm, and I really love the rain. I see rain as a very cleansing and purifying force now. I love the smell, sound, and sight of rain. So it's been interesting to me. I left the patio door open this afternoon to listen to and watch the sideways rain, but tonight the storm was far too severe. And since Matt has lived through virtually every natural disaster, he is (understandably) fearful of storms, so we closed the door.
I was talking to someone through Twitter yesterday who is going through a very hard time right now. I think she is really amazing and talented, and I wish we were close friends, but we're not. I was trying to lift her spirits and in the process, sort of reminded myself of a few things. One of them being: sometimes the hidden pathways are the most beautiful and fruitful for our journeys. Moreso than the marked and expected pathways. And every experience we encounter, whether good or bad, successful or failure, help shape who we are as people. I would not be who I am today without everything I have been through. While it is hard for me to understand why I have to suffer like this, I have to trust there is a reason for it, and try to find the beauty in the journey.
Ok, let me try to put my misery aside and share something I am thankful for today...Today, I am thankful for the healing power and energy of nature. I hope to be able to tap into it for both myself and my Nana to help us both recover as quickly and completely as possible. And I am thankful that I am able to experience and appreciate the amazing forces of nature through sight, smell, and sound, as some cannot.
I am truly thankful for the ability to appreciate the beauty of the storm, and the beauty of my journey.
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