So much for peace and quiet...

One of the best parts of living alone is the peace and quiet. You can do pretty much whatever you want, whenever you want. You can walk around in pajamas all day, or even naked, if you want to! No one will look at you funny, not even the dogs or cats lol.

When I moved into this apartment, Tyler was here with me every other week for the week, with one overnight at this dad's during my week, and the opposite on his dad's weeks. So I had a lot of time alone, and a LOT of peace and quiet. Now? Not so much.

Tyler has been here with me pretty much nonstop since the third week of November. Other than the occasional overnight with a friend or family, he's here with me. Which shouldn't be a big deal, and it's really not. I love having him here. He's funny, he's helpful, and he's good company.

But he's also very, VERY noisy. All the time. For no reason. He will sit on the couch, watching tv, and just make random noises. Unexplainable noises. And god help you if he's playing a video game. There is something inside of him that just demands he make sound effects while he's playing video games. Whether it's on his PSP or the Wii. No matter how many times I holler at him to stop, he keeps doing it. I don't think he's even aware of it.

And then there are his newfound hobbies. I think I mentioned before that he's taken up a real/serious interest in the guitar recently. Not sure where it comes from, but it's lasting this time around. He's actually getting pretty good, too. It's kind of creepy, though, because he plays a lot of the same riffs of songs that Matt used to play. It's weird because I am so used to Matt randomly playing riffs in the background, I don't really even think about it. But what creeps me out is that I catch myself about to say something to MATT about the fact that I'm on the phone or trying to watch tv or whatever, and it's TYLER down the hall in his room. It gives me the heebie jeebies. Tyler has all but mastered the beginning of Sanitarium by Metallica. I didn't even know the name of that song before Matt. And now I know it even better because of Tyler. Because if he isn't in his room playing the opening riffs of it, he's walking around the house singing it while he's listening to his iPod. Creepy, right?

And, as I sit here and type this post, Tyler is pounding away on his practice drum pad. Yep. I'm serious. He wanted the full on drum kit, but we live in an apartment, so yeah. Practice drum pad it is. What I didn't think about when I agreed to buy it was when Matt had a rinky dink electric kit in our basement. Turns out this pad makes the exact same sounds when pounded as the electric drum pads. So, yeah. Creep factor numero dos. And he's taken to trying to do fancy spins and flips with his sticks, which is both funny and impressive. Not to mention, he's not bad. I can actually tell what songs he's playing sometimes, which is weird, considering he only has the one pad. So he can't do the low and high tones, or multiple tones, etc. Just the one. But the kid has a freaky ear for sound and rhythm, I tell you.

It's just really, really unsettling that he's virtually turning into my ex. At least, that's how it feels. I even said to him a couple weeks ago how ironic I find it that he has finally taken a serious interest in the very instruments that Matt loved (and was good at). I said "you know, he would probably have LOVED to teach you how to play, if you had shown a real interest". He agreed, and then of course said "I wish he was still here". That made me want to crawl in a hole and die.

I don't know if he loves these things now because he misses Matt. Or if he loves them because he's a sixth grade boy who has always loved all things musical, but is just now old enough to really take on instruments and WANT to practice. I don't know the reason. But I can't (and WON'T) stop him just because it skeeves me out. He clearly loves it. And he's clearly good at it. So I will be supportive of it like I am of everything else he cares about. (He is playing and singing We Will Rock You right now. So fucking funny!)

I WOULD take some video and post it to show you, but Matt took the video camera I bought him for Valentine's Day last year, so yeah. I DID hope to use it for things with Tyler, too. Like baseball and such, but it was Matt's gift, so he took it. I haven't replaced it yet, but I should. My digital camera broke shortly after moving in here, too, which sucks. I think Tyler's camera takes video, but his also takes batteries, so I don't want to get into a bad habit of using it for video, because that's going to eat batteries quick. But I really should start taking videos so even he and I can see his progress as he goes. Maybe I will do that. I'm sure I can find another good camera deal like I found when I got Matt's camera. I'll have to look around.

I already have a Youtube channel, where I posted some video clips from Tyler's Christmas concert with the school band. If you want to check them out, it's at www.youtube.com/ericaglick . If/when I get some video of Tyler playing guitar/drumming, I'll post them there, too. I'm sure he will LOVE the idea of being on Youtube haha.

So much for peace and quiet. But you know what? It's happy sound. I actually did miss it, now that it's back. I love music so much. Even though I bitched about it sometimes, I actually really liked having someone in the house who was always playing an instrument. Especially someone who was so fucking good at it! But now I have another little budding musician to entertain me, and if he keeps up this way, one day he'll be at least as good as the last household musician was. I do feel sad about the fact they can't bond over it now, though. Maybe the next guy I love will love music as much as we do? I hope so!

Something poignant I read today...

So music speaks to me, quite often in fact. And I know I've mentioned that before. But I also love to read. I always have. Books of all kinds, and a lot of poetry.

I came across something today while I was reading that literally took my breath away.

I feel like I have a really hard time explaining how I feel sometimes, which is a problem I never used to have. I'd like to think it's because my feelings are much more complex now than they were when I was younger, but I think it's at least in part because my relationships are much more complex now than when I was younger. And not necessarily in a good way.

But this passage I read today says everything I could or should ever want to say about how I felt most recently. And how I feel about love, in general. I tried to explain this to someone once, to try to make him understand where I was coming from, but I don't think it every quite got through. There are parts of this that I almost said verbatim to him, which is kind of freaky. It goes:

"There comes a point where you just love someone. Not because they’re good, or bad, or anything really. You just love them. It doesn’t mean you’ll be together forever. It doesn’t mean you won’t hurt each other. It just means you love them. Sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. And you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it."

Yes. Real love doesn't mean you'll be together forever. It doesn't mean you won't hurt each other. But real love, true love, pure love endures. It's stronger than pain, anger, shame, and embarrassment. It's the greatest thing that exists in this life. Real, true, pure love is what a parent feels for a child, and it's possible between two people, as well. The only real shame in it is that it doesn't always happen mutually, in one relationship. That's the only time that true love fails. When one partner feels it but the other one doesn't.

But it does exist. I've felt it. In spite of him. In spite of myself. And I hope to feel it again. But the real, true, pure love I felt for him is what made me forgive him. Made me turn the other cheek. Look the other way. And that pure love is what pushes me to be a better person now. To rise above the anger, the sadness, the frustration and bad feelings and live a life of happiness and hope. Because somewhere out there is a person who will feel about me the way I felt about him. I know it will happen, and that makes me very happy and hopeful!

Just wanted to share that little bit. Might blog more tonight about Tyler. He's been a huge part of everything that's been going on lately, and why I'm doing so well, so he deserves some space, so to speak. Until then...

So the consensus is...

So I think it's about time I went ahead and posted again. I've been thinking about it, well, ever since all this happened. I didn't want to say anything I would regret, or anything I felt like I needed to delete (I'm still having regrets about deleting some things from before, can you tell?) but I do feel like I need to get some things off my chest.

I think that what I want to say, publicly, about this is: I don't understand anyone who walks around every day causing pain, harm, and upset to others. Intentionally or otherwise. I don't understand how anyone can live with themselves, live their lives, carry on with their day, knowing that their actions are hurting other people. Whether those people are strangers, significant others, parents, children, so on and so forth.

When I was a child, I had selfish parents. Parents whose actions caused great harm, hurt, and distress to me and my brother. As a child, I could never understand why they would do and say the things they did, when they could see the effects it was having on us. When we would tell them the way it was hurting us and affecting our lives. They just...pretended not to see it, not to hear it, or that it didn't matter or it wasn't happening. I never understood that. Not as a child, not as a parent.

I had other people cause harm to me and hurt me substantially as a child, and I would wonder- how can they live with themselves and their actions? How can someone do something so despicable, so disgusting, and be able to face themselves and other people? It was something I just could not get my mind around.

In my marriage, my husband did things that hurt me and our son. He, like my parents, pled lack of control. Or pretended it wasn't real, it didn't happen, lied about it, anything other than facing it and/or dealing with it. I did everything I could to try to live with it, but ultimately, I just couldn't. Mostly because of my son. It was affecting my son in ways I couldn't reconcile, so I had to walk away.

Then came the ex. An ex who, at one time, was my very best friend in the world. Who was the one person I thought I could count on and would always be there for me. And he was one of the people who hurt me worse than anyone else in my life. He made choices and said and did things to me that I still, to this day, cannot reconcile or get my mind around. He hurt me in ways I cannot begin to even try to describe, because I cannot fully understand his actions or try to explain his reasoning. But the one thing I still wonder is: how can he live with himself?

I now know more about the things he did to his ex-wife, as well. Things I didn't know at the time. Things he never told me, or outright denied. I don't understand how someone can do and say the things he has done and said and live with themselves. I have even asked him that. Through tears, while sobbing, begging for explanation, I have asked him "How can you live like this? How can you be this person and hurt me the way you are and think it's ok?" and the only response he ever gave me was "It's not ok" and "I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me".

So now, someone else, someone I don't know, someone who is essentially a stranger to me, invades my life, invades my personal matters, and sends me information that, frankly, I didn't need to know. I mean, I SHOULD know about it, I get that. But I definitely didn't NEED to know it. I don't NEED this weight on my shoulders. On my SPIRIT. I don't NEED to know that this man all but raped my sense of security. My sense of peace. My sense of right and wrong. I don't dispute that what he did was wrong. That it's disgusting. That it's horrible. But I didn't NEED to know it. Because now, I have to walk around trying to reconcile THIS. Trying to reason THIS. Trying to make sense of something that's complete and utter nonsense. There is no reason for this. There is no explanation for this. There is no excuse. Just like anything and everything else he did and has done to me, and to anyone else.

But how does what this person is doing help anything? How does it make anything any better? Have I done something to this person to warrant the things they have done to me? I have gotten hateful, hurtful, and horrible messages from this person. I have gotten threats from this person. They have said any manner of things to me about myself and about the ex. But what I want to know is: why?

This person clearly thinks they are better than us, that they're above all this. But they keep putting themselves in the middle of it. And all I can think is that they're at LEAST as bad as he was. He is the only other person who has ever acted and treated me like this, which is why I have thought it was him (or someone acting on his behalf) all this time. But this most recent action is the first time I have started to wonder, because I cannot imagine what he would gain by doing that to himself. Unless the other email addresses were bogus and he just WANTS me to think that he sent it to all of us, which is a possibility.

But at the end of the day, if this person isn't him, they're just as bad as he is, in my mind. And if they're really SO angry at him and have been SO wronged by him, why would they want to act JUST LIKE HIM? An eye for an eye? I don't believe in that.

I really wish I could sit here and say that none of this bothers me, and I just let it roll off my back, but I'm not a liar. It does bother me. It bothers me a lot. But that doesn't mean I'm unhappy. Even with all of this going on, I'm still happier than I was with him, at least the last year or two. Maybe three. It's really sad that I can't even specifically recall the last time he and I were truly happy. I would have said it was about a year ago, because we really did have a wonderful fall and Christmas season, but the truth is I knew he was lying about his friend and suspected he was seeing someone else. I just wanted to be happy and enjoy being with him again.

It's so fucking hard when you're living with someone, sharing your life, bed, money, and everything you are and everything you have with someone you know you can't trust. That's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It's even harder when you can remember how great things had been. I do miss the fun, the inside jokes, the things we did together, but none of it is worth the way he made me feel in the long run. If the best of the best was a 10 out of 10, the best of the worst was a 10 out of 10. The worst of the worst was probably like a 20 out of 10. The bad far outweighed the good, which is why I am where I am now.

I am not perfect, but I am happier. Happier than I was with him, happier than I was before him. I am living on my own and taking care of myself and my son, and that makes me happy. I don't live with the fear of being lied to, misled, deceived, or cheated on, and that's a horrible feeling. I don't worry about walking on eggshells or having to withhold all my hurt, anger, and sadness.

I don't know if I'll ever get over what I learned from this person. Just like I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get over the rest of the things he did and said to and about me. But I know I'll be ok, because I can live with myself. I can live with who I am and how I treat people. I am not a perfect person, but I have integrity and I live honestly. I don't pretend things are something they're not, I don't lie about things that are obvious to me and others. I don't intentionally mislead others or double talk to try to confuse people, and I don't intentionally cause harm and distress to other people, even if I think (or KNOW) they've wronged me. That's not who I am, and that's not who I want to be.

Yeah, sure, maybe "revenge" would feel good, in the moment. But I would feel horrible after the fact. Because the truth is, the people I have had in my life are people who, at one point, I loved. Some of them, a great deal. It gets harder and harder to remember WHY I loved them at times, but I did love them, so I don't want to be the kind of person who turns on someone I loved at one time. Loved enough to marry, loved enough to share my life with for six years, loved enough to forgive over and over and over again when I was wronged, hurt, damaged, and deceived. I don't want to be the kind of person who forgets that love so easily.

I think there are people in this world who, somewhere deep down inside, are good people. But either something happened to them along the way somewhere that has caused them to become dark, deceptive, and dangerous, or they are sick. Very, very sick. Sick so that either they cannot see what they're doing to others, or sick so that they can see it, but don't care. Either way, they're sick. It doesn't make them bad people, but it doesn't mean I need to be around them. But none of that is a reason for me to become as bad as they are and act like they do.

And I hope that whomever is walking around every day, enacting their own personal "revenge" on him, on me, on life and society in general, can someday, somehow see that what they're doing isn't any better than what he's done. And I do hope that whatever this person has said or done to him has maybe caused him to take a step back and thought about how it feels to be on the receiving end of that kind of behavior. Because as far as I can tell, he's always been the do-er. I don't think he's ever had anyone treat him the way he has treated others. Which, I'm sure is what the person is using as their reasoning for why they're doing what they're doing, but I still could never stoop to the level that he is at to try to make him see it. I honestly don't think he CAN see it. I think he falls under the "sick" category. Either he can't see it, or he doesn't care. Either way, it's a sickness. So it's all in vain, anyhow.

All I can do is try to remove myself from as much of the situation as I can, try to live with and overcome the things that have happened directly to me, and hope that all involved can let go of whatever has happened, whatever perceived wrongs have gone on, and try to find and be at peace. That's all I really want, and all I care about. And in the end, it's all I want for everyone else.

I wouldn't ever want someone else to hurt the way I have been hurt, or the way I've been hurting recently. I think it would take a very sick, sadistic individual to WANT people to hurt like this. I am not that person. And I would hope no one else would want to be that person, or live like that.

That's really all I have to say about it. I am trying to move on from it, but I did want to make my position very clear. I consider myself to be an intelligent person, both intellectually and emotionally, but I am willing to admit that there are some things that I just cannot understand. Because I don't live like that, and can't sympathize with anyone who does. But I wanted to say that I hope that anyone who lives like this can find peace and move on from all this. No one is worth this kind of torment and pain, no matter what has happened. It's allowing someone else to continue to impede upon your life, long after they've left. It's just not healthy, and it won't make anyone "happy". Two wrongs actually DON'T make a right, no matter how you spin it.

Let bygones be bygones, as they say. And just count your blessings that you were able to get out, walk away, move on, however you want to say it. I count mine every day and I have peace in my life and within myself. I hope the same for anyone reading this and anyone I have ever loved.