Back in the saddle again

Here we go, back to blogging. I know, I know. I have been terrible about actually sticking to this so far. One would think that with the lack of anything else to do, I wouldn't have a problem sticking with ONE goal. Apparently, not having ANY commitments means I have trouble sticking to new ones. Who knew?

I think part of the problem is one day just kind of...bleeds into another for me lately. Without much of a schedule, I have a hard time differentiating day to day. Partly because I don't have a routine anymore (which, to be frank, I THRIVE on), and partly because I have the most screwed up sleep "schedule" I have ever had in my life right now.

Sleep for me is few and far between. I have a very "take whatever you can get, whenever it comes" mentality right now. Very much like when I first brought Tyler home from the hospital. I am SO tired, all of the time, that when I do actually have the ability to fall asleep, I take it, even if it's in the middle of the day. For the first couple months, even though I wasn't getting very much sleep, I was very hesitant to nap or sleep during odd hours because I would think things like "if I nap now, I won't be able to fall asleep later", or "if I only nap for two hours now, I could be tired again before tomorrow". Now, it's just "OMG I think I could actually go upstairs and fall asleep. SCORE!"

I have a couple of problems that are causing me to be unable to sleep. First, the pain. Constant and increasing when I lie down. Do I know why it hurts worse when I lie down? Nope. If I could figure it out, I would try to solve it. I wish it were as simple as just elevating my legs or head or something, but that doesn't work. Also, even if I do go to sleep, if/when I go to move, the sharp pain that results wakes me up again.

The second problem I have is related to the medicine I have been taking. Some of it knocks me out, so if I have to take something for the pain and it makes me fall asleep at 2 in the afternoon, I might not get up until 6 or 7 in the evening, which means I am NOT going back to sleep until the next morning. And taking MORE medicine later doesn't work, I don't know why.

The third issue I have is anxiety induced insomnia. I have battled insomnia for years, but everything that has been going on has triggered anxiety, which has triggered bouts of insomnia. Good times, right?

So, this is as brief an explanation as I can give right now on why it's been so hard for me to keep up with any kind of a routine, ie: my blog.

Not being on any kind of a schedule makes it hard for me to keep up with all my doctor's appointments, too. I normally wouldn't have had a hard time knowing what day of the week it is or what the date is, but when the days run together like they do now, it becomes really difficult. Thankfully, I have my cell phone and the calendar function to help me out. I just put in all my appointments, and every day, I check the calendar on my phone to see what's coming up or if I have to be somewhere that day.

It also doesn't help that I have more than one doctor to go to haha.

Speaking of which, I have another procedure coming up on Monday. They are going to do cortisone injections again, but this time, in a different area than before. I am nervous about it, mostly because they want me to be sedated, and I HATE that. I really don't like taking medicine that makes me feel "high" or makes me unconscious. I can't believe how much I have been resorting to these kinds of medicine since I have been hurt, but it's mostly just to get some sleep and relief every now and then. That's how I know I am in a lot of pain. Not only am I considering it, but I am actually taking them sometimes. But being knocked out while I am having a procedure on my back where they stick large needles into my back makes me really nervous.

I am trying to control my anxiety about the situation, and trying to think about how it could really help me, but I have doubts about that, too. Every time they do one of these "procedures", it ends up causing me MORE pain for about a week, and not even doing what they say it will.

But the doctor said he wants to try this before they move on to more invasive testing and treatment, which I can't blame him for, but it still makes me miserable to know that it probably won't work.

If/when this doesn't work, the next step is to have dye injected into my discs to see if any of them are ruptured or leaking fluid, which is what the doctor thinks is happening. If any of them are, depending on the severity, we will have to make a decision about what to do next. I think he said there were a couple things we could try, but ultimately, I would probably have to have some kind of surgery. How serious the surgery is would be relative to how serious the disc damage.

So, that's all the news fit to print for today.

Now, on to what I am thankful for. Today, I am thankful for air conditioning. That might sound really trite, but I am genuinely thankful for it. I keep seeing on the news and reading online about all of these people who don't have it, and it makes me realize that even though we are in the 21st century, there are still people who have never upgraded to AC, and in this economy, there are way too many people who cannot afford to purchase a window unit, or run their central air. I'm thoroughly thankful that we are not one of those families right now. As miserable as I am with this pain, at least I am not stuck in a house with no air conditioning. And with air conditioning comes things like cable tv, internet, and cell phones, all of which have helped maintain my sanity in these long MONTHS stuck in bed and on the couch. I am thankful for these luxuries.

Same shit, different day

Skipped a day yesterday. I went to the doctor, and I wasn't feeling especially "blog-y", even though there was a lot to talk about. So I will make up for it today, promise.

The doctor I saw yesterday was the pain management doctor. I went in to talk to him about having this discogram, the procedure that involves injecting my discs with dye and then having a scan to see which, if any, are leaking fluid.

He explained that with my symptoms, the other doctor is on a good track with thinking it may be a leaking disc, but this doctor thinks there is one more less invasive and risky procedure he can try first. As he explained, if we do this first and it doesn't work, it will make sense to resort to the discogram. If we do the discogram and it doesn't show a leaking disc, it's a HUGE risk to take for no reason.

The procedure he wants to try first is some cortisone injections in and around some joints that the vertebrae in the bottom of the back have. He said it's not a painless procedure by any means (he actually almost insisted that I have sedation), but it's much less painful and invasive than the disc injections. So I will have that in three weeks.

He also explained more about the leaking disc, because I didn't really understand it fully. The doctor who told me he thinks I have a disc that is leaking speaks Russian, so his accent is quite thick. I was concerned that if he tried to explain it to me, something might get lost in translation, literally. Pain management doctor said that the discs between our vertebrae have an almost fibrous casing, like a corn husk, and a gel-like inside for cushioning. He said if the disc ruptures or tears and the gel inside leaks out, it can be very inflammatory to the area around the disc, causing problems similar to what I'm having now.

I expressed my frustration about STILL not knowing exactly what's wrong. He said he understood, but that from his experience, while it seems like it's been a long time that we have been working on this, that it really hasn't been that long. He said that if we are still talking about this kind of pain in another 6 months or a year, we might need to talk about either a disc replacement or a fusion, both of which are fairly complicated procedures for someone my age. God, I hope we're not still talking about this in 6 months or a year!

In other news, I have been sort of...struggling with some things in my personal life. These aren't necessarily things I want to go into great detail about in this forum. Partly because they're really painful, and partly because I can't really control who is reading this, and, believe it or not, I am an incredibly private person. I am trying not to be so much of an emotional hermit, but it's things like I am going through right now that help to "justify" my tendencies.

I have a VERY hard time trusting people. Anyone, really. Even people who think they are very close to me probably don't know as much as they think they do about me. It's sort of something left over from when I was a kid. It just seems like every time I do go out on a limb and trust someone or divulge personal information, I get burned.

Now, I realize this is a fairly common occurrence for almost everyone, but I think I never really learned how to cope with it. When I trust someone and they violate or betray that trust in some way, I am absolutely devastated. And, another lovely trait left over from my childhood is that pain for me becomes anger, as a form of self-preservation and protection. It's tons of fun, trust me.

So, as you may have concluded, I have had a couple of people I trusted betray that trust in a couple of different ways. I am just SO overwhelmed right now, I don't really know how to deal with either offense. The worst part is, I wish I could call one of my close friends and try to get some comfort, support, and advice, but I feel like I can't trust anyone right now! I literally feel completely exposed right now, like my skin has been ripped off. It is the worst feeling I can think of. Just feeling raw and angry and hurt and unprotected.

So, I am sort of "hermiting" right now, trying to think of my next move. I just feel like this is really SO the last thing I need right now. As if I don't already have enough going on, I have to stress about this.

Insomnia is in full effect. Nightmares are back. My ocd is kicking in again (because hey, if I can't control other people, maybe I can control everything else, ever? That's rational, right?). Anxiety is at about an 8 out of 10 at the moment. I'm worried about my health, worried about my future, worried about my job, worried about who I can trust, worried I'm going to make the wrong choices (like I clearly have already). I just feel so frazzled.

So I'm raw, frazzeled, exposed, vulnerable, in physical pain, tired, and angry. I should be getting a phone call from any of several ex-boyfriends shortly. They're like bloodhounds or vultures- they can smell the sick and the weak from miles away.

Hey, look at that, I still have my sense of humor. It's something!

Ok, so let me try to find something to be thankful for today...

I am thankful for my sense of humor. How does the saying go...? "If I didn't laugh, I'd be crying right now?" Something like that. So true.

OH, and I am thankful that Tyler will be home for his overnight tonight :D I really need a dose of Tyler right now!

See how well that worked out?

Ok so it took me a week to post again. I know, I know. Promises, promises, right? Well, it's been sort of a rough week.

I went to see another doctor. I know. This guy was really nice, though. However, I had to have what's called a "nerve conduction study" done to see why I am having pain in my legs and potentially, what's wrong with my back. I knew it was going to be scary, and it was. They electrocute you to test you response. And not like, a little shock to see if you feel it. They shocked me in numerous places on both of my lower legs, and in some places the shocks got stronger and stronger and then several times in a row.

The second part involved sticking small, acupuncture type needles into my muscles and electrocuting me that way. Needless to say, I was not in a good mood when I came home, and felt sore and touchy for a couple days afterward.

The one potential "upside" to all of this was the doctor felt like he might have an idea what's causing all of this, finally. He believes I have a herniated disc that was also torn or ruptured and is now leaking the fluid that normally makes up the cushion of the disc.

Now, he wants me to have this incredibly invasive and painful procedure wherein they inject several suspected discs with dye and then scan me to see which of them is leaking. I have to go on Monday to talk to the pain management doctor about the procedure. Which scares me. His office specifically said he wanted to make sure to talk to me first, which can't be good. I did some online research after talking to his office, and yeah, it's intense. So I don't know what will happen as a result.

I am very unhappy because I still am not able to work. My FMLA leave time dried up this week, so I am officially up in the air. Which pisses me off, because while this wasn't the best paying job I've ever had, it had great benefits, great people, and insane potential. So, naturally, something had to happen to screw it up. I got this amazing new boss who was really energetic and optimistic and positive and progressive and I was so excited for the new things she had in mind and really wanted to have the chance to prove myself to her. So much for that. Right now, the best I can hope for is that if I ever am able to go back, I can get another job at SLU. Actually, the best I can hope for is they choose to unofficially hold my job until August and give me more time to get well. I think if I could get better before fall semester started again, I might have a chance. That's my primary goal at the moment.

And that's sort of what I have been so swept up in this week. Had to see the nerve doctor twice to get tests and then results, had to talk back and forth with HR to try to save as much of my job as I could. I'm concerned because I haven't heard from the department head or supervisor lately, though. Ugh. Ok, I just need to focus on getting well and stop worrying.

I am beginning to have a lot of anxiety about all of this. Anxiety about what's really wrong with me. Anxiety about what it will take to treat me. (So far, everything they have done to me has been incredibly painful). Anxiety about losing my job and all my benefits. Anxiety about upsetting everyone around me because I'm not getting better. Anxiety that I am letting people down somehow. I don't know.

So, needless to say, I am sifting through a lot to try to move ahead, but I am determined to move ahead. Come hell or high water, I will move ahead.

I have finally accepted that this isn't really as short term as I had hoped and went ahead and had Matt make some accomodations around here for me. I got a shower seat a couple weeks ago so I could shower by myself more easily. I have moved some things around the house to make them easier for me to get to.

I had been trying to do little things around the house to try to build strength, but paid a hefty price with excrutiating pain every time I tried. New doctor said to stop. That this isn't about strength and I could injure myself further. He did say that since we have a pool here, that I should get into it often. Not only will the water relieve the weight on my back, but I can try water aerobics while I'm in there! So we will be spending time in the pool, I'm sure.

What I am thankful for is possibly finding a doctor that can properly diagnose me and possibly treat me so I can get back to my life. I have hope, kids. I have hope!!