Back in the saddle again

Here we go, back to blogging. I know, I know. I have been terrible about actually sticking to this so far. One would think that with the lack of anything else to do, I wouldn't have a problem sticking with ONE goal. Apparently, not having ANY commitments means I have trouble sticking to new ones. Who knew?

I think part of the problem is one day just kind of...bleeds into another for me lately. Without much of a schedule, I have a hard time differentiating day to day. Partly because I don't have a routine anymore (which, to be frank, I THRIVE on), and partly because I have the most screwed up sleep "schedule" I have ever had in my life right now.

Sleep for me is few and far between. I have a very "take whatever you can get, whenever it comes" mentality right now. Very much like when I first brought Tyler home from the hospital. I am SO tired, all of the time, that when I do actually have the ability to fall asleep, I take it, even if it's in the middle of the day. For the first couple months, even though I wasn't getting very much sleep, I was very hesitant to nap or sleep during odd hours because I would think things like "if I nap now, I won't be able to fall asleep later", or "if I only nap for two hours now, I could be tired again before tomorrow". Now, it's just "OMG I think I could actually go upstairs and fall asleep. SCORE!"

I have a couple of problems that are causing me to be unable to sleep. First, the pain. Constant and increasing when I lie down. Do I know why it hurts worse when I lie down? Nope. If I could figure it out, I would try to solve it. I wish it were as simple as just elevating my legs or head or something, but that doesn't work. Also, even if I do go to sleep, if/when I go to move, the sharp pain that results wakes me up again.

The second problem I have is related to the medicine I have been taking. Some of it knocks me out, so if I have to take something for the pain and it makes me fall asleep at 2 in the afternoon, I might not get up until 6 or 7 in the evening, which means I am NOT going back to sleep until the next morning. And taking MORE medicine later doesn't work, I don't know why.

The third issue I have is anxiety induced insomnia. I have battled insomnia for years, but everything that has been going on has triggered anxiety, which has triggered bouts of insomnia. Good times, right?

So, this is as brief an explanation as I can give right now on why it's been so hard for me to keep up with any kind of a routine, ie: my blog.

Not being on any kind of a schedule makes it hard for me to keep up with all my doctor's appointments, too. I normally wouldn't have had a hard time knowing what day of the week it is or what the date is, but when the days run together like they do now, it becomes really difficult. Thankfully, I have my cell phone and the calendar function to help me out. I just put in all my appointments, and every day, I check the calendar on my phone to see what's coming up or if I have to be somewhere that day.

It also doesn't help that I have more than one doctor to go to haha.

Speaking of which, I have another procedure coming up on Monday. They are going to do cortisone injections again, but this time, in a different area than before. I am nervous about it, mostly because they want me to be sedated, and I HATE that. I really don't like taking medicine that makes me feel "high" or makes me unconscious. I can't believe how much I have been resorting to these kinds of medicine since I have been hurt, but it's mostly just to get some sleep and relief every now and then. That's how I know I am in a lot of pain. Not only am I considering it, but I am actually taking them sometimes. But being knocked out while I am having a procedure on my back where they stick large needles into my back makes me really nervous.

I am trying to control my anxiety about the situation, and trying to think about how it could really help me, but I have doubts about that, too. Every time they do one of these "procedures", it ends up causing me MORE pain for about a week, and not even doing what they say it will.

But the doctor said he wants to try this before they move on to more invasive testing and treatment, which I can't blame him for, but it still makes me miserable to know that it probably won't work.

If/when this doesn't work, the next step is to have dye injected into my discs to see if any of them are ruptured or leaking fluid, which is what the doctor thinks is happening. If any of them are, depending on the severity, we will have to make a decision about what to do next. I think he said there were a couple things we could try, but ultimately, I would probably have to have some kind of surgery. How serious the surgery is would be relative to how serious the disc damage.

So, that's all the news fit to print for today.

Now, on to what I am thankful for. Today, I am thankful for air conditioning. That might sound really trite, but I am genuinely thankful for it. I keep seeing on the news and reading online about all of these people who don't have it, and it makes me realize that even though we are in the 21st century, there are still people who have never upgraded to AC, and in this economy, there are way too many people who cannot afford to purchase a window unit, or run their central air. I'm thoroughly thankful that we are not one of those families right now. As miserable as I am with this pain, at least I am not stuck in a house with no air conditioning. And with air conditioning comes things like cable tv, internet, and cell phones, all of which have helped maintain my sanity in these long MONTHS stuck in bed and on the couch. I am thankful for these luxuries.