Same shit, different day

Skipped a day yesterday. I went to the doctor, and I wasn't feeling especially "blog-y", even though there was a lot to talk about. So I will make up for it today, promise.

The doctor I saw yesterday was the pain management doctor. I went in to talk to him about having this discogram, the procedure that involves injecting my discs with dye and then having a scan to see which, if any, are leaking fluid.

He explained that with my symptoms, the other doctor is on a good track with thinking it may be a leaking disc, but this doctor thinks there is one more less invasive and risky procedure he can try first. As he explained, if we do this first and it doesn't work, it will make sense to resort to the discogram. If we do the discogram and it doesn't show a leaking disc, it's a HUGE risk to take for no reason.

The procedure he wants to try first is some cortisone injections in and around some joints that the vertebrae in the bottom of the back have. He said it's not a painless procedure by any means (he actually almost insisted that I have sedation), but it's much less painful and invasive than the disc injections. So I will have that in three weeks.

He also explained more about the leaking disc, because I didn't really understand it fully. The doctor who told me he thinks I have a disc that is leaking speaks Russian, so his accent is quite thick. I was concerned that if he tried to explain it to me, something might get lost in translation, literally. Pain management doctor said that the discs between our vertebrae have an almost fibrous casing, like a corn husk, and a gel-like inside for cushioning. He said if the disc ruptures or tears and the gel inside leaks out, it can be very inflammatory to the area around the disc, causing problems similar to what I'm having now.

I expressed my frustration about STILL not knowing exactly what's wrong. He said he understood, but that from his experience, while it seems like it's been a long time that we have been working on this, that it really hasn't been that long. He said that if we are still talking about this kind of pain in another 6 months or a year, we might need to talk about either a disc replacement or a fusion, both of which are fairly complicated procedures for someone my age. God, I hope we're not still talking about this in 6 months or a year!

In other news, I have been sort of...struggling with some things in my personal life. These aren't necessarily things I want to go into great detail about in this forum. Partly because they're really painful, and partly because I can't really control who is reading this, and, believe it or not, I am an incredibly private person. I am trying not to be so much of an emotional hermit, but it's things like I am going through right now that help to "justify" my tendencies.

I have a VERY hard time trusting people. Anyone, really. Even people who think they are very close to me probably don't know as much as they think they do about me. It's sort of something left over from when I was a kid. It just seems like every time I do go out on a limb and trust someone or divulge personal information, I get burned.

Now, I realize this is a fairly common occurrence for almost everyone, but I think I never really learned how to cope with it. When I trust someone and they violate or betray that trust in some way, I am absolutely devastated. And, another lovely trait left over from my childhood is that pain for me becomes anger, as a form of self-preservation and protection. It's tons of fun, trust me.

So, as you may have concluded, I have had a couple of people I trusted betray that trust in a couple of different ways. I am just SO overwhelmed right now, I don't really know how to deal with either offense. The worst part is, I wish I could call one of my close friends and try to get some comfort, support, and advice, but I feel like I can't trust anyone right now! I literally feel completely exposed right now, like my skin has been ripped off. It is the worst feeling I can think of. Just feeling raw and angry and hurt and unprotected.

So, I am sort of "hermiting" right now, trying to think of my next move. I just feel like this is really SO the last thing I need right now. As if I don't already have enough going on, I have to stress about this.

Insomnia is in full effect. Nightmares are back. My ocd is kicking in again (because hey, if I can't control other people, maybe I can control everything else, ever? That's rational, right?). Anxiety is at about an 8 out of 10 at the moment. I'm worried about my health, worried about my future, worried about my job, worried about who I can trust, worried I'm going to make the wrong choices (like I clearly have already). I just feel so frazzled.

So I'm raw, frazzeled, exposed, vulnerable, in physical pain, tired, and angry. I should be getting a phone call from any of several ex-boyfriends shortly. They're like bloodhounds or vultures- they can smell the sick and the weak from miles away.

Hey, look at that, I still have my sense of humor. It's something!

Ok, so let me try to find something to be thankful for today...

I am thankful for my sense of humor. How does the saying go...? "If I didn't laugh, I'd be crying right now?" Something like that. So true.

OH, and I am thankful that Tyler will be home for his overnight tonight :D I really need a dose of Tyler right now!