See how well that worked out?

Ok so it took me a week to post again. I know, I know. Promises, promises, right? Well, it's been sort of a rough week.

I went to see another doctor. I know. This guy was really nice, though. However, I had to have what's called a "nerve conduction study" done to see why I am having pain in my legs and potentially, what's wrong with my back. I knew it was going to be scary, and it was. They electrocute you to test you response. And not like, a little shock to see if you feel it. They shocked me in numerous places on both of my lower legs, and in some places the shocks got stronger and stronger and then several times in a row.

The second part involved sticking small, acupuncture type needles into my muscles and electrocuting me that way. Needless to say, I was not in a good mood when I came home, and felt sore and touchy for a couple days afterward.

The one potential "upside" to all of this was the doctor felt like he might have an idea what's causing all of this, finally. He believes I have a herniated disc that was also torn or ruptured and is now leaking the fluid that normally makes up the cushion of the disc.

Now, he wants me to have this incredibly invasive and painful procedure wherein they inject several suspected discs with dye and then scan me to see which of them is leaking. I have to go on Monday to talk to the pain management doctor about the procedure. Which scares me. His office specifically said he wanted to make sure to talk to me first, which can't be good. I did some online research after talking to his office, and yeah, it's intense. So I don't know what will happen as a result.

I am very unhappy because I still am not able to work. My FMLA leave time dried up this week, so I am officially up in the air. Which pisses me off, because while this wasn't the best paying job I've ever had, it had great benefits, great people, and insane potential. So, naturally, something had to happen to screw it up. I got this amazing new boss who was really energetic and optimistic and positive and progressive and I was so excited for the new things she had in mind and really wanted to have the chance to prove myself to her. So much for that. Right now, the best I can hope for is that if I ever am able to go back, I can get another job at SLU. Actually, the best I can hope for is they choose to unofficially hold my job until August and give me more time to get well. I think if I could get better before fall semester started again, I might have a chance. That's my primary goal at the moment.

And that's sort of what I have been so swept up in this week. Had to see the nerve doctor twice to get tests and then results, had to talk back and forth with HR to try to save as much of my job as I could. I'm concerned because I haven't heard from the department head or supervisor lately, though. Ugh. Ok, I just need to focus on getting well and stop worrying.

I am beginning to have a lot of anxiety about all of this. Anxiety about what's really wrong with me. Anxiety about what it will take to treat me. (So far, everything they have done to me has been incredibly painful). Anxiety about losing my job and all my benefits. Anxiety about upsetting everyone around me because I'm not getting better. Anxiety that I am letting people down somehow. I don't know.

So, needless to say, I am sifting through a lot to try to move ahead, but I am determined to move ahead. Come hell or high water, I will move ahead.

I have finally accepted that this isn't really as short term as I had hoped and went ahead and had Matt make some accomodations around here for me. I got a shower seat a couple weeks ago so I could shower by myself more easily. I have moved some things around the house to make them easier for me to get to.

I had been trying to do little things around the house to try to build strength, but paid a hefty price with excrutiating pain every time I tried. New doctor said to stop. That this isn't about strength and I could injure myself further. He did say that since we have a pool here, that I should get into it often. Not only will the water relieve the weight on my back, but I can try water aerobics while I'm in there! So we will be spending time in the pool, I'm sure.

What I am thankful for is possibly finding a doctor that can properly diagnose me and possibly treat me so I can get back to my life. I have hope, kids. I have hope!!