Sick? Tired? Maybe just sick and tired...

I expect tonight's post to be short and sweet. I am not feeling well. I thought it was allergies earlier today, but I am feeling feverish and very, very tired right now.

I didn't sleep well last night. Had another nightmare. I have been having really bad nightmares since I was a kid. My brother had full on night terrors, so I guess I was lucky. But they have been so bad that I developed pretty severe insomnia as a result. I can remember being terrified to sleep at night because the nightmares are/were so real. So I would stay awake all night and want to sleep all day. This did not make for an easy life as a child who needed to go to school and such.

It continued well into my teen years, when I developed anxiety attacks. So insomnia + anxiety attacks = a teenager who was very tired and constantly on edge. Good times.

When I was in my early 20s, I discovered an herbal remedy called Alluna. It basically replicates your body's melatonin, and when I would have bouts of insomnia, a couple days of Alluna, and I was back on track. At the time, it was widely available (I had gotten it at WalMart and Walgreens). Now, not so much. I think the last time I checked, it was only available at an herbal shop in Fenton somewhere, but you can also buy it online.

Anyhow, I have noticed that the nightmares do seem to come during times of heavy stress for me. When I ended my last relationship and the fall out after that, and then moving in here, all added up to big nightmares. Those had a definite theme. And having someone with questionable mental health threaten my life in writing didn't help, either. But I made it through and seemed to be getting on track again. But now I've been having nightmares again, but I can't pinpoint why.

Well, that's not entirely honest. I did have to go deal with some ex related drama/issues a couple weeks ago. I feel like every time I start to relax and unclench, stop looking over my shoulder, breathe easy, etc., he comes back to stir shit up again. I don't know when/if it's going to stop, but it's definitely disrupting my life. Fortunately, the authorities seem to be able to see his actions for what they are and they're not buying into whatever he is selling, but it's still incredibly frustrating. I don't know what, if any, recourse I have. I keep thinking I'm just going to let it go and be the bigger person, but it's wearing on me.

Couple that with what's going on with my son's father right now, and I'm feeling completely drained. I feel like the walking dead. It's hard with him, too, because he literally screams at me (my ex husband, not my son). He is determined to create problems between me and him when the real issues are between he and his son. But I have to stand there and be insulted, attacked, demeaned, degraded, all in front of my son. I have to try to maintain not only my temper, but my dignity. I have to struggle to be the bigger person for the benefit of my son.

I stand there, watching my son fight tears, meanwhile I'm fighting them, too. I personally don't care what my ex husband thinks of me, or calls me. I stopped caring about him long before we even split up. But it kills me to see him to blatantly and flagrantly hurt my son. I don't care who you are or what your circumstances are, if someone is screaming at your mother and calling her foul names, that hurts you. When you love your dad but he refuses to acknowledge serious problems within his household and between the two of you, that hurts you. When it's glaringly obvious that your father cares more about his feelings and wants than yours, that hurts you. And as a mother, it takes every ounce of strength I have to keep my cool and try to be as level headed as I can be while witnessing my ex hurt my son. I just have to be the one my son can count on and trust.

But all of this is definitely taking its toll. I think these "allergies" might actually be the beginnings of a cold, and I can't afford to have a cold right now. I have things I have to do in the next couple of days. Top of the list is the continuation of this battle with my ex.

The silver lining to all of this is I am getting a new tattoo tomorrow! It's my birthday gift, and I honestly cannot wait to see her design for it and get it! Of course, I will post pictures tomorrow, if I can get decent ones and get them up. I feel lucky, too, because I get to take my new friend Crystal, and she's wanting to get a tattoo, too.

Tattoos can be an incredibly personal experience, but I really enjoy having a friend there with me. Both times I have been tattooed before were with a friend, and now I'm doubly lucky because the artist is a friend of mine, too. Her work is amazing, so I can't wait! I thought about telling you the design now, but I think I'll keep that a secret. Partly because I love keeping secrets, and partly because I haven't seen her final design! I gave her a rough idea of what I wanted and some colors I would like, but told her it's up to her design it herself.

I have a couple others on the short list for after this one. I'll have to talk to Amelia and see what we can work out. She's doing this one for my birthday, and I did tell her I have another one in mind for Christmas, but if not before, I will definitely be getting these others after the first of the year when income taxes come. It's so cool having a great tattoo artist on my contacts list now!

Until tomorrow...

At least the weather fits the mood...

What a horrible Monday. A terrible, horrible, shitsucking day.

Of course, the weather sucks. I feel like it's been raining forever. And while I enjoy a good rain, I absolutely hate winter rain. The kind of rain that's dark, damp, chilly, and soaks you to the bone, even when it's not raining hard.

And of course, I had to be out in it. Not just once, either. I wish I were in the mood to give all the dirty details of what went down today, but I just don't have it in me. I feel so emotionally and mentally exhausted right now.

Let's just say it went about as bad as could be expected. The ex husband tried to be clever. Thought he was super tricky, but he forgets that this is real life and the school calls BOTH parents when it's clear one is trying to go behind the other's back.

See, the problem is, when you're doing things the wrong way, and for the wrong reason, you're never going to get very far. Or, "win", as he would put it. The bigger problem is, there is no true winner in this war. Just a kid being torn apart.

The only thing I'll say for today is that he was told, again, by more authoritative figures, that they will not force a child in middle school to go anywhere he doesn't want to go. Even if his father tries to drag him out by his coat. (I wish I were kidding).

Tyler's here with me tonight, but it doesn't feel like a "win". I know he loves his dad, but I also know he doesn't want to be around him, or in their home. And I don't blame him in the least. As I told everyone today, I am just trying desperately to be the one adult Tyler can count on, rely, trust, and so on. I told him I would be there today to pick him up when he asked me to be, so I was. And I told him no one would make him leave with his dad, so I was going to make sure that happened. I feel like that's the least I could do, as his mom.

So that's the mini update on that situation. I feel like I have so many balls in the air right now. I need to get so much accomplished, but he has to be my number one focus. I don't have guilt about that, but it's frustrating that I feel like there are so many things that need to be done and aren't getting done. ARGH.

The one good thing that got accomplished, and that was I fixed my string lights in my living room window. Relied on the good ol' fashioned "jiggle". I thought, you know, before I take this entire string down, let me just see if I can...*jiggle jiggle* VOILA! They worked. So I left them alone and now I have a full, working string of lights. It's a small victory on a day like today, but it's the little things that count :)

So that's about all I have energy to type tonight. Goodnight and sweet dreams!

Tree is up!

Had a great Sunday. Got to go to the Science Center with Tyler and some friends. I really do wish that I was able to get around better, though. It's frustrating to not be able to move freely, or to only be able to move with pain. We got to see a great IMAX movie about the Hubble telescope which was so cool. And since Tyler still says he wants to be an aerospace engineer when he grows up, he was in awe the entire time.

When we got home, we had a late lunch, and then settled into getting the rest of the Christmas decorations up. I love this time of year, it's one of my absolute favorites. But I did notice this year that everything was taking a LOT longer to get done. I'm sure it's because it was just me and Tyler working, and not another adult. Tyler is so helpful, though. He really helps out, and he doesn't ever whine or complain. He never has, though. But he's been a lifesaver for me since day one of my back going out. I try to tell and show him how much I appreciate him, but I wonder sometimes if he really understands.

My back and legs are absolutely killing me tonight, but I think it was totally worth it. The house looks amazing. The tree is so gorgeous. I've always wanted to have a tree with a "theme" to it, I just think it looks so classy. Last year, I finally buckled down and said "I'm doing my theme tree this year" and just did it. My ex hated Christmas, so he really didn't care. I decided to do my favorite color, and I just love it so much! Now that I had more time to fuss with it today, I feel like it looks perfect, so yay! Here's a couple pictures for you:

I know it might not be everyone's cup of tea, but it's perfect for me. Here is a couple pics of the rest of the living room area:



As you can see on the tv, we got to watch the Rams game while we worked. What a great game! They're doing so well this year! It was only after getting the garland up that I realized there was a blown bulb somewhere. To be honest, I was way too tired and hurt to even try to take it down, or play hunt and seek to find it, so it's going to have to wait for another day. Same with the blinking icicle lights in the window lol. 2/3 of the string work fine. The last 1/3 refuses to light up, and I have no idea why. And of course, the replacement bulbs I have are the wrong size/kind, so they're no help. Frustrating!

Tyler does his own tree in his room. We started that a few years ago. It used to be a smaller tree, but we were at WalMart two years ago and they had a little five foot tree, and he asked if he could have it for his room. I know I always wanted a tree for my own room when I was a kid, so I figured, why not? He decorates it himself every year. He even picked out his own decorations. So here are pics of his tree:

So now that decorating is basically done, I'm just relaxing now, thinking about the week ahead. I think I am getting a tattoo on Wednesday, if I can work out the logistics.

Things are a little off kilter around here right now. Tyler is not supposed to be here with me this weekend, or this coming week. But, things at his dad's have gotten really bad, and have even broken down into physical fights over there, so Tyler doesn't want to go anymore. We have had to talk to the police (of course, his father called them). I'm sure his dad thinks this is me, and I'll be the first to admit I don't think he is safe over there anymore, but as the police officer discovered, it really is Tyler that doesn't want to be there. He's almost 12 now, and he recognizes that they way they behave over there isn't normal, or healthy. And I'm not just talking about the children. It's primarily the adults. The poor kid has had to endure this for years now, and I guess in the back of my mind, I always knew there would come a point where he would finally say "enough!".

Matt used to get really upset with me because he felt like I wasn't telling Tyler the complete truth about his dad. There was a lot of times that I maybe didn't tell him everything, but I try really hard not to come across like I'm bashing his dad. And I knew, all along, that this wasn't going to get better, it was only going to get worse. I know it was frustrating for Matt to see me bite my tongue, but good things come to those who wait, I believe. So now, here we are, and Tyler is old enough to make his own decisions and he has chosen not to go over there anymore.

And his dad is only making things worse. When Tyler told the police officer on Wednesday that he didn't want to go, his dad reacted with anger. He didn't ask if he could talk to Tyler, didn't try to find out what was wrong (mostly, because he knew exactly what the problem was). He just stood in the hall with his arms crossed, scowling at Tyler. Then, he didn't call him on Thanksgiving. And when Tyler was telling me on Friday that he wasn't sure if he wanted to go to his dad's that night or not, Brian talks to him on the phone and, again, instead of talking to him, reassuring him, etc., he screams at him. Demands a response about what Tyler is going to do that night. And when Tyler keeps telling him "I don't know, Dad", his dad then tells him not to "bother", then, and threatens him, saying "I'll see you next week, just wait", before hanging up on him. Nice, huh?

So I'll have to talk to Tyler in the morning and find out what he wants to do. He told me on Friday that he has no intention of going back, especially now. It's obvious, even to him, that his dad has little or no concern about his feelings or what he wants, and that this whole thing isn't about seeing or spending time with him. It's about "winning". Having his way. And now his dad sees that Tyler can't be forced to leave with him, so he's showing his true colors. Which is really sad.

I've told Tyler I will pick him up from school if he wants me to, and I will. I'm sure there will be more police involved, though. And I'm really hoping to not have a knock down, drag out confrontation with his dad in the school's parking lot. But I have to respect Tyler's feelings, and in this instance, I wholeheartedly agree with his decision, so it makes it easier.

IF I can work it out, I plan to get my tattoo on Wednesday. It's my birthday gift :). If I do, I will definitely post pictures for you!

I hope you had a good holiday week/extended weekend. We sure did. Not sure I'm prepared to get back into the routine again, but we don't get a choice, do we? So here's to Monday. Let's hope the week is smooth and uneventful.

YEAH, RIGHT. That's going to happen! lol

Tis the season...for reflection.

We got the tree up today. Well, treeS. I have one for the living room, and Tyler has one for his room. We procrastinated most of the day, but I was determined to at least get the tree(s) up today. The rest of the decorations will wait until tomorrow.

A couple of things I was thinking today, while I was putting up the tree. First, while I was raised by a die-hard real tree fanatic, and they definitely do have their merits, I am a go-to faux tree girl. Can't beat the convenience, the ease, and the reusable factor. The last faux tree I had was one I purchased during my marriage, when I was pregnant with Tyler. It was gorgeous. It was huge, and full. And a monumental pain in the ASS to put up. It was one of those that had dozens of branches that had color coded hangers. Which happens to be the worst idea ever. I can tell you from experience that, after about ten years of use, the color rubs off the ends, and then it becomes a twisted matching game with the branches. You're standing in the living room, trying to decide if the branch you're holding matches the pile on the left, or the barely visibly smaller pile to the right, because none of them have colored paint on the ends anymore, and they all look reasonably the same size. It's a game where no one wins, trust me.

It also wasn't prelit, so after spending several hours playing the worst game ever, you then get to do the string the lights around the tree too big for one person to reach around game. And after spending six years with someone who hates Christmas and everything related, it was like pulling teeth to even get him to help me put the tree up. And once the tree was up, I usually had to go hunt him down in another part of the house and drag him back to the tree to help string the lights. He would have preferred I tore off a limb and beat him to death with it. Sadly, I never gave him the option.

Last year, I finally broke down and bought a new tree. Mostly because we moved into a townhouse and I wanted something smaller. And I definitely wanted something easier to assemble, and prelit. I searched and found a great deal at Lowes. It was a gorgeous 9 foot tree. We got the tree home, and even though Matt argued for hours about the height, I was determined. Let me be the first to admit, he was right. We started assembling it, and when you get two of the three pieces up and it's already almost touching the ceiling, it's not a good sign. He was giving me the side-eye the entire time, because he knew it wasn't going to fit. I could all but hear his "I told you so", but he was showing remarkable restraint. Needless to say, it didn't fit. Not even close. I think we were off by at least a foot. Maybe a foot and a half? He was less than thrilled to have to take it back down, shove it back into the box, and take it back. You would've thought that being right, for once, would have outweighed it. But even that didn't make the Grinch's heart grow at all.

We ended up with an equally beautiful 7 1/2 foot tree. It's one of the slimmer ones, and it's prelit. It comes in three pieces, and it took me and Tyler less than 10 minutes to get it up and turned on this year. Luckily, Tyler is big enough to carry it and lift the pieces, because I couldn't. But then I spent about an hour fussing with the branches, making sure to cover all the bare spots. Ornaments took about another half hour, which is made easier by the fact I have a color theme! I will definitely post pictures tomorrow. The living room is kind of a mess right now, since we're not finished decorating. It kind of looks like a Michaels or a Garden Ridge threw up in here right now lol.

But, while I was fussing with the branches and decorating the tree, I was thinking a lot about last Christmas. Last year was a generally horrible year, starting right after the first of the year. I don't want to go into a lot of detail, but it started with a move, progressed into a life-changing back injury, and disintegrated into a long term relationship completely imploding. It was, by far, one of the worst years of my life. But, surprisingly, things seemed to be turning a corner by November. I had FINALLY gotten a check from my insurance company for my back injury, so we had some money to pay bills and spend a little on ourselves. It felt like we could BREATHE again, after holding it painfully, for months on end. My birthday was in November, and I had a great one. Matt and I had even stopped arguing, and were getting along better than we had in almost a year. I started thinking that maybe things were going to get better, finally.

We talked about doing something charitable with some of the money, and I found a family on Craigslist that was asking for help. It really hit home for us because it was a man, his wife, and one son. It was almost like a mirror of our family. And since Matt had lost his job the year before, in October, our previous Christmas had been very difficult. If it wasn't for the help of our family, we wouldn't have even had a Christmas that year. So to have come full circle only a year later and have enough to consider sharing, we felt pretty good about choosing this particular family.

And honestly, it was so much fun shopping for them! They were concerned mostly about their son, but we wanted to get gifts for the parents, too. I am a firm believer that everyone should have something to open for Christmas. And we made sure they had food to make a great Christmas dinner, and breakfast. Those were traditions for us, so we wanted to share them with the family, too. I wasn't there when they got the haul, but Matt said they were completely overwhelmed. I had never seen Matt like that before, when he was telling me about it. I could tell it meant a lot to him, too.

We also shopped for all the members of the family, plus Tyler, our families, and each other. It really was a great feeling. While we didn't have unlimited income, this was the first year I could say I wasn't pinching pennies. I still shopped like I always did, watching sales, checking for deals, and so on, but I wasn't counting down like I normally did. I got so excited when I decided what to get Matt. I found this amazing food processor, and it was on sale, WITH a mail in rebate, so I felt like I hit the lottery! And I knew he would love it, too. And he would be totally surprised! It was killing him, trying to figure out what it was! I had to have him drive me to the store, and I was so afraid he would peek while I was putting it in the trunk, or later. But he really was surprised, which was awesome. And we got literally everything on Tyler's list, which we haven't ever been able to do. It really was a great Christmas.

Last year's haul:





It's really hard for me to think about how far things fell, and in such a short period of time. Literally weeks later, things went to complete shit with Matt. I still don't know exactly what happened, or why, but I have a few ideas now. It's one of those "hindsight is 20/20" scenarios. But needless to say, things going so incredibly well and then changing so completely so quick left me reeling. I think most people would understand, if they walked in my shoes.

But I decided today that, instead of focusing on the awful things that came after the first of the year, I would just remember how great the Christmas was. I think it was great to have a wonderful Christmas as our last Christmas together. It really reminds me what Christmas is really about. It's about love, it's about generosity, it's about seeing surprise and happiness in other people's faces, it's about showing people how special they are to you, even when you can't find the means to show it otherwise. And, it's about overcoming terrible situations and circumstances to just enjoy the peace and comfort of the season, of family, and each other.

This definitely won't be a stress free, money is no object Christmas for us this year. Of course, I don't know what his situation or circumstances are anymore. But, I can conclusively say that this will be a Christmas of peace and comfort for us. Instead of several months of torment and discontent leading up to a couple of months of happy holidays, we have had several months of peace, quiet, and mending broken hearts. But we have survived, and it's brought Tyler and I closer together. We are grateful for each other.

While our family has changed this year, I will try to keep as many of the traditions as I can for Tyler's sake. And mine, if I'm being honest. I enjoy making the Christmas dinner, decorating the tree, and of course, the shopping and presents. I really hope something miraculous happens in the next few weeks so we can have the Christmas Tyler deserves. But I know even if it doesn't, we'll still have a good Christmas. Because this year, even though everything around us has changed, we still have each other. And that's the best gift of all.

Facebook is for friends (and so much more!)

Since someone on Facebook brought me back to this blog, I thought I would post a little about Facebook tonight. Funny enough, I am writing this post right now because I cannot get onto Farmville at the moment, so let's hope by the time I'm done here, I will be able to get on.

Yes, I am a Farmville junkie. Oh, I intentionally avoided it for months because I couldn't imagine it would be "fun" or "interesting". What would be fun about so-called farming an imaginary farm? I don't have any interest in farming an ACTUAL farm, so what's in it for me? It was only out of sheer and utter boredom that I finally gave it a chance, and I was essentially hooked from the word go. For those who don't play, just understand that it's more than just imaginary farming. It's interacting with your Facebook friends (as farming "neighbors"), it's meeting NEW friends (some of whom I consider great friends now), and it's definitely a perfect way to waste time on harmless, mindless fun. We just decorated and celebrated Thanksgiving on our farms, and now comes the Christmas holiday! This is my favorite time, because there are so many things you can buy, win, and get to decorate with. You can turn your little piece of internet land into a winter wonderland :)

But Farmville isn't why I Facebook. I Facebook because I love to see what other people are doing. For someone who has spent a LOT of time stuck in the house because of my back injury (and for awhile, being car-less), it makes me feel connected to people I care about, even when I can't be. It's been so fun to find and reconnect with people I haven't seen or talked to in over ten years. Some people I have known since elementary school, or longer.

I think I have found almost everyone I grew up in the neighborhood with. I keep having these grandiose plans about getting all of us together for dinner and drinks sometime, but the realist in me recognizes that, in the days of full time jobs, husbands, multiple kids, and trying to find time just to SHOWER most days, it would be next to impossible to get a dozen girls together for a couple of hours. But I can dream, right?

It has been such a treat to see how everyone has "grown up", where they are, what they're up to, and thinking of all of us as moms, wives, husbands, fathers...it's crazy. But, the truth of the matter is, none of us have changed very much. Those of us who were kind, careful, thoughtful, and generous as kids still are all of those things. Those of us who were adventurous, free spirited, independent, and maybe a little crazy as kids still are all those things, too. Those of us who laughed hard, laughed loud, and laughed often as kids still do, today.

I am now the mother of an (almost) 12 year old who regularly begs me to let him create a Facebook account. He has tried every tactic. He tells me that "everyone" has one. That he's the "only one" who doesn't. That he just wants one for Farmville. So forth and so on. Maybe I'm a hard ass because I won't give in yet. But I just don't think a 12 year old needs a Facebook. Who does he need to catch up with? Who has he lost touch with? Who is he trying to network with? I know that he doesn't think of it that way, but that really is what Facebook was created for. Right now, it's just the allure of something he wants, but doesn't have. Maybe the mystery will wear off, once he turns 13 and finally gets one.

Or, maybe like the rest of us, he'll be hooked from day one. And maybe the friendships he creates now on Facebook will last him for decades, and he won't HAVE to lose his childhood friends, like we did. Maybe Facebook will become the way you STAY in contact with friends, for his generation, the way it has become the way you get BACK in contact with friends, for our generation. Like all great things, it will change and adept with the times and needs of the masses. I guess we'll see in ten or twenty years.

I am thankful...

Wow. I just checked this blog and it's been over a year since I've updated. In one sense, it feels like it was yesterday when I started posting. But mostly, it feels so far away, it feels like a different lifetime. I posted a lot when things were really bad in my life and my relationship, that's why I started this blog.

Truthfully, there were some posts in the late summer and early fall of last year, but when I went back and read them just now, it was incredibly painful and way too personal, so I deleted them. Knowing what I know now, there's no reason to leave them there as a reminder of what he did to me.

For those who know me personally, you know how much has changed for me in the last year. Really, everything has changed. And that's not an exaggeration. Some of the changes were my decision. A lot of them weren't. Most were for the better. But even things that are for the better can be very hard to swallow, so to speak.

It's funny, because I saw a lot of this coming. But it was hard to see how it would play out. We get so comfortable in our own existence, it's almost impossible to imagine things being any different, even when we know the existence we're living isn't the right one for us. We know when we're in the wrong place, with the wrong person, walking the wrong path, etc. But I think as humans, we resist change. We fear it. We do everything we can to avoid it. Don't get me wrong, there are exceptions to every rule. There are a lot of people who crave change and seek it mercilessly. I am not one of those people.

I have had to suffer a lot of change in my life. Starting at about 13 years old, things started moving and changing for me, and never really stopped. I kind of feel like a nomad of sorts. Never really in once place or space for very long. It's an incredibly unsettling feeling, trust me. But there are upsides to constant change. Learning that material things, while fun and shiny, don't really hold much value. You learn to appreciate the things that really matter in life. Like health. Joy. Stability. Things most of us take for granted.

But there are definite downsides, too. I have a hard time trusting people. I have a LOT of people come in and out of my life. Again, some by my hand. Some by their own. I am very fortunate that I have a handful of friends that I have had for over 20 years. It occurred to me a couple of weeks ago that these friends were friendships that were cemented before or around the time things started "changing" for me. I'm sure there's some psychological reasoning behind it. I choose to think it's because I was good at seeking out incredible people when I was younger :). I also have a hard time with new places. I don't like to sleep somewhere other than my own "home", wherever that may be at the time. I also tend to care too much about material things. I know I just said that this life has made me realize they're not important, but I've lost so much over the years that there is this freaky little part of my brain that is always seeking out new possessions, like I'm a magpie or a ferret lol. I see things I want and I feel like I have to have them. And I cherish them when I have them. But when/if I lose them, I'm not traumatized. I am usually angry, but I remember they're not important, and move on.

In any event, I should have been better prepared for the changes I've gone through in the last year. But I wasn't. I guess it was a case of not seeing the forest for the trees. Truthfully, I think I was so consumed with coping with my back injury and the fall out, that I couldn't deal with everything else that was happening around me. In the same way that the man in my life completely abandoned me and let me down and every turn, I completely shut him out and abandoned him, as well. I won't say that I'm sorry for it, and I won't say that I have no regrets, either. What happened has already happened, and there's no sense in regret and wondering "what if". The reality is, neither of us were happy, and it was clearly not meant to be, as they say. But I think the case of the "abandonments" caused a LOT of anger, under the surface, and has left a lot of resentment on both sides.

Instead of walking away with clean hands and a clear conscience, there is and has been a large helping of bitterness and vengeful behavior going on. I admit I was very angry with how things ended at first, but I have always been very adamant about not wanting anyone who didn't completely want me. And I don't "fight for" anyone. I don't want someone I have to fight FOR. I'm not sure that has sit well with him. I have been the recipient of a (seemingly) unending campaign of harassment and accusations that I can't seem to shake. It makes me very angry, but I feel like I HAVE to rise above it. But the one question I can't seem to stop asking is: when is it enough? When does he accept that things have changed, mostly because of him, and that I'm not going to lash out in response to his actions? I can't help but think that's the core motivation for all of his behavior- he desperately wants me to react. To lash out. To act out, somehow. I can't see any other purpose to it.

I'll be the first to admit there was a LOT of anger in the last year or so of our relationship, but now that we're not around each other, I simply don't have that anger within me any longer. These random, spaced out attempts he's making to rile me up simply aren't enough to illicit the kind of response he's after. I just have to hope he gives up, after some time, and that I can finally be at peace with my life. That's all I really want. And I'm so close, I can taste it!

The real reason I am posting today is because I truly AM thankful. I do firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. And even though, at one time, I thought he was the best thing that ever happened to my life (and my son's), if it wasn't supposed to be, it never would have worked, regardless of what either of us did. He was my best friend, my biggest fan, and the role model I had always wanted for my son. But something inside him changed. Or something emerged from inside him that he couldn't contain or hide from me any longer. It's actually frightening to see someone change, right in front of your eyes. They start to act different, treat you differently, and eventually, they even LOOK different, physically. It's scary. Anyone who has ever known someone like this knows exactly what I mean. You don't know if it's you going crazy, or them. But the answer was obvious. Something was happening to him that I couldn't do anything to change, or help. Even when I finally spoke up, it was already much too late. When that ball starts rolling, you just have to let them go or be crushed by the weight of what they're going through. And while this breakup was unbelievably hard on me, I AM thankful that at least it's not a divorce. At least I can walk away and never have to look back. So many people wish they could say the same thing, so I am thankful I can. He cannot destroy me. No matter how hard he tries.

I am thankful that I was able to get back on my feet so quickly. I wish things were easier. I wish I had more money, or the ability to make as much as I need. But I am thankful that we are making it. And on our own. I am hopeful that things might change soon, and our situation will continue to get better. But all I can do is keep trying. I won't ever stop trying.

In terms of my back, which was a large part of why I started this blog to begin with: I wish I had better news. I wish I could say that, some 15 months since my last post, there had been dramatic improvements, but I'd be lying if I did. Of course, now I HAVE to do more for myself, because I don't have anyone around to ask for help. But in the same way that it gives me a sense of accomplishment some days, it also makes the pain and injury worse and act up even more and more often, which is incredibly frustrating. And, if that weren't enough, I lost my medical coverage in September when I was evaluated again, so now I have no medical coverage at all. I filed for the state's medical plan, but haven't heard back yet. My case worker says it might be the first of the year before I hear something, since the system is so overloaded with people who need help. In the meantime, I sit here and suffer with no means to seek or receive help. It feels incredibly inhumane.

But I know there are people MUCH worse off than I am. There are people in more pain. People with terminal illnesses. People with absolutely no hope. And I have an abundance of hope. So today I am thankful for my abilities, and choose to ignore my "handicaps". I will continue to seek help, to try to find a doctor who wants to help me try to get well, as opposed to doctors who seem perfectly content with "managing my pain" and telling me there isn't anything that can be done to change my situation. I won't accept that as an answer, or a way of life.

Finally, I am thankful for my wonderful son. Anyone who knows him knows exactly how amazing he is. He is kind, patient, thoughtful, and unendingly loving. He is funny, brilliant, and the first person to offer to help anyone he sees who needs it. He always has a smile on his face and is quick to like and accept anyone who will talk to him. He is a constant source of joy for me and everyone around him, and I honestly try, every day, to be a little more like him. I'd love to be quicker to forgive and not so quick to hold long term grudges. I'd love to be more trusting of others, and not so quick to throw up icy walls. I'd love to see the world with rose colored glasses, and not so quick to see the glass half empty. It's his optimism and laughter that keep me going most days.

It kills me that his heart was shattered by a man he loved more than anything, because I feel completely responsible for bringing him into his life. That loss is the only thing I've ever seen affect him so deeply, and for so long. Even moreso than when his father and I divorced. I don't know if it's because of how long he was in his life, how close he was and how much he loved him, the time they spent together, or what. I'm not sure he'll ever get over it, and that worries me. I can only hope that, with time, he will remember only the great times they had, and not how badly he was treated at the end. So I am thankful that, in most cases, time heals all wounds. And that, at the end of the day, my son knows I am ALWAYS going to be here for him, I will NEVER let him down, and I won't EVER stop loving him more than anything in this life.

I am going to make an effort to try to keep up with his more frequently again. So thank you, FB friend, for peeking at my blog and inspiring me to start back up again. Like I said, everything happens for a reason. It wasn't a coincidence that you saw my link on my page, checked it out, and mentioned it to me :). I just hope my posts are entertaining, or interesting for you.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

~Erica