I am thankful...

Wow. I just checked this blog and it's been over a year since I've updated. In one sense, it feels like it was yesterday when I started posting. But mostly, it feels so far away, it feels like a different lifetime. I posted a lot when things were really bad in my life and my relationship, that's why I started this blog.

Truthfully, there were some posts in the late summer and early fall of last year, but when I went back and read them just now, it was incredibly painful and way too personal, so I deleted them. Knowing what I know now, there's no reason to leave them there as a reminder of what he did to me.

For those who know me personally, you know how much has changed for me in the last year. Really, everything has changed. And that's not an exaggeration. Some of the changes were my decision. A lot of them weren't. Most were for the better. But even things that are for the better can be very hard to swallow, so to speak.

It's funny, because I saw a lot of this coming. But it was hard to see how it would play out. We get so comfortable in our own existence, it's almost impossible to imagine things being any different, even when we know the existence we're living isn't the right one for us. We know when we're in the wrong place, with the wrong person, walking the wrong path, etc. But I think as humans, we resist change. We fear it. We do everything we can to avoid it. Don't get me wrong, there are exceptions to every rule. There are a lot of people who crave change and seek it mercilessly. I am not one of those people.

I have had to suffer a lot of change in my life. Starting at about 13 years old, things started moving and changing for me, and never really stopped. I kind of feel like a nomad of sorts. Never really in once place or space for very long. It's an incredibly unsettling feeling, trust me. But there are upsides to constant change. Learning that material things, while fun and shiny, don't really hold much value. You learn to appreciate the things that really matter in life. Like health. Joy. Stability. Things most of us take for granted.

But there are definite downsides, too. I have a hard time trusting people. I have a LOT of people come in and out of my life. Again, some by my hand. Some by their own. I am very fortunate that I have a handful of friends that I have had for over 20 years. It occurred to me a couple of weeks ago that these friends were friendships that were cemented before or around the time things started "changing" for me. I'm sure there's some psychological reasoning behind it. I choose to think it's because I was good at seeking out incredible people when I was younger :). I also have a hard time with new places. I don't like to sleep somewhere other than my own "home", wherever that may be at the time. I also tend to care too much about material things. I know I just said that this life has made me realize they're not important, but I've lost so much over the years that there is this freaky little part of my brain that is always seeking out new possessions, like I'm a magpie or a ferret lol. I see things I want and I feel like I have to have them. And I cherish them when I have them. But when/if I lose them, I'm not traumatized. I am usually angry, but I remember they're not important, and move on.

In any event, I should have been better prepared for the changes I've gone through in the last year. But I wasn't. I guess it was a case of not seeing the forest for the trees. Truthfully, I think I was so consumed with coping with my back injury and the fall out, that I couldn't deal with everything else that was happening around me. In the same way that the man in my life completely abandoned me and let me down and every turn, I completely shut him out and abandoned him, as well. I won't say that I'm sorry for it, and I won't say that I have no regrets, either. What happened has already happened, and there's no sense in regret and wondering "what if". The reality is, neither of us were happy, and it was clearly not meant to be, as they say. But I think the case of the "abandonments" caused a LOT of anger, under the surface, and has left a lot of resentment on both sides.

Instead of walking away with clean hands and a clear conscience, there is and has been a large helping of bitterness and vengeful behavior going on. I admit I was very angry with how things ended at first, but I have always been very adamant about not wanting anyone who didn't completely want me. And I don't "fight for" anyone. I don't want someone I have to fight FOR. I'm not sure that has sit well with him. I have been the recipient of a (seemingly) unending campaign of harassment and accusations that I can't seem to shake. It makes me very angry, but I feel like I HAVE to rise above it. But the one question I can't seem to stop asking is: when is it enough? When does he accept that things have changed, mostly because of him, and that I'm not going to lash out in response to his actions? I can't help but think that's the core motivation for all of his behavior- he desperately wants me to react. To lash out. To act out, somehow. I can't see any other purpose to it.

I'll be the first to admit there was a LOT of anger in the last year or so of our relationship, but now that we're not around each other, I simply don't have that anger within me any longer. These random, spaced out attempts he's making to rile me up simply aren't enough to illicit the kind of response he's after. I just have to hope he gives up, after some time, and that I can finally be at peace with my life. That's all I really want. And I'm so close, I can taste it!

The real reason I am posting today is because I truly AM thankful. I do firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. And even though, at one time, I thought he was the best thing that ever happened to my life (and my son's), if it wasn't supposed to be, it never would have worked, regardless of what either of us did. He was my best friend, my biggest fan, and the role model I had always wanted for my son. But something inside him changed. Or something emerged from inside him that he couldn't contain or hide from me any longer. It's actually frightening to see someone change, right in front of your eyes. They start to act different, treat you differently, and eventually, they even LOOK different, physically. It's scary. Anyone who has ever known someone like this knows exactly what I mean. You don't know if it's you going crazy, or them. But the answer was obvious. Something was happening to him that I couldn't do anything to change, or help. Even when I finally spoke up, it was already much too late. When that ball starts rolling, you just have to let them go or be crushed by the weight of what they're going through. And while this breakup was unbelievably hard on me, I AM thankful that at least it's not a divorce. At least I can walk away and never have to look back. So many people wish they could say the same thing, so I am thankful I can. He cannot destroy me. No matter how hard he tries.

I am thankful that I was able to get back on my feet so quickly. I wish things were easier. I wish I had more money, or the ability to make as much as I need. But I am thankful that we are making it. And on our own. I am hopeful that things might change soon, and our situation will continue to get better. But all I can do is keep trying. I won't ever stop trying.

In terms of my back, which was a large part of why I started this blog to begin with: I wish I had better news. I wish I could say that, some 15 months since my last post, there had been dramatic improvements, but I'd be lying if I did. Of course, now I HAVE to do more for myself, because I don't have anyone around to ask for help. But in the same way that it gives me a sense of accomplishment some days, it also makes the pain and injury worse and act up even more and more often, which is incredibly frustrating. And, if that weren't enough, I lost my medical coverage in September when I was evaluated again, so now I have no medical coverage at all. I filed for the state's medical plan, but haven't heard back yet. My case worker says it might be the first of the year before I hear something, since the system is so overloaded with people who need help. In the meantime, I sit here and suffer with no means to seek or receive help. It feels incredibly inhumane.

But I know there are people MUCH worse off than I am. There are people in more pain. People with terminal illnesses. People with absolutely no hope. And I have an abundance of hope. So today I am thankful for my abilities, and choose to ignore my "handicaps". I will continue to seek help, to try to find a doctor who wants to help me try to get well, as opposed to doctors who seem perfectly content with "managing my pain" and telling me there isn't anything that can be done to change my situation. I won't accept that as an answer, or a way of life.

Finally, I am thankful for my wonderful son. Anyone who knows him knows exactly how amazing he is. He is kind, patient, thoughtful, and unendingly loving. He is funny, brilliant, and the first person to offer to help anyone he sees who needs it. He always has a smile on his face and is quick to like and accept anyone who will talk to him. He is a constant source of joy for me and everyone around him, and I honestly try, every day, to be a little more like him. I'd love to be quicker to forgive and not so quick to hold long term grudges. I'd love to be more trusting of others, and not so quick to throw up icy walls. I'd love to see the world with rose colored glasses, and not so quick to see the glass half empty. It's his optimism and laughter that keep me going most days.

It kills me that his heart was shattered by a man he loved more than anything, because I feel completely responsible for bringing him into his life. That loss is the only thing I've ever seen affect him so deeply, and for so long. Even moreso than when his father and I divorced. I don't know if it's because of how long he was in his life, how close he was and how much he loved him, the time they spent together, or what. I'm not sure he'll ever get over it, and that worries me. I can only hope that, with time, he will remember only the great times they had, and not how badly he was treated at the end. So I am thankful that, in most cases, time heals all wounds. And that, at the end of the day, my son knows I am ALWAYS going to be here for him, I will NEVER let him down, and I won't EVER stop loving him more than anything in this life.

I am going to make an effort to try to keep up with his more frequently again. So thank you, FB friend, for peeking at my blog and inspiring me to start back up again. Like I said, everything happens for a reason. It wasn't a coincidence that you saw my link on my page, checked it out, and mentioned it to me :). I just hope my posts are entertaining, or interesting for you.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

~Erica