Sick? Tired? Maybe just sick and tired...

I expect tonight's post to be short and sweet. I am not feeling well. I thought it was allergies earlier today, but I am feeling feverish and very, very tired right now.

I didn't sleep well last night. Had another nightmare. I have been having really bad nightmares since I was a kid. My brother had full on night terrors, so I guess I was lucky. But they have been so bad that I developed pretty severe insomnia as a result. I can remember being terrified to sleep at night because the nightmares are/were so real. So I would stay awake all night and want to sleep all day. This did not make for an easy life as a child who needed to go to school and such.

It continued well into my teen years, when I developed anxiety attacks. So insomnia + anxiety attacks = a teenager who was very tired and constantly on edge. Good times.

When I was in my early 20s, I discovered an herbal remedy called Alluna. It basically replicates your body's melatonin, and when I would have bouts of insomnia, a couple days of Alluna, and I was back on track. At the time, it was widely available (I had gotten it at WalMart and Walgreens). Now, not so much. I think the last time I checked, it was only available at an herbal shop in Fenton somewhere, but you can also buy it online.

Anyhow, I have noticed that the nightmares do seem to come during times of heavy stress for me. When I ended my last relationship and the fall out after that, and then moving in here, all added up to big nightmares. Those had a definite theme. And having someone with questionable mental health threaten my life in writing didn't help, either. But I made it through and seemed to be getting on track again. But now I've been having nightmares again, but I can't pinpoint why.

Well, that's not entirely honest. I did have to go deal with some ex related drama/issues a couple weeks ago. I feel like every time I start to relax and unclench, stop looking over my shoulder, breathe easy, etc., he comes back to stir shit up again. I don't know when/if it's going to stop, but it's definitely disrupting my life. Fortunately, the authorities seem to be able to see his actions for what they are and they're not buying into whatever he is selling, but it's still incredibly frustrating. I don't know what, if any, recourse I have. I keep thinking I'm just going to let it go and be the bigger person, but it's wearing on me.

Couple that with what's going on with my son's father right now, and I'm feeling completely drained. I feel like the walking dead. It's hard with him, too, because he literally screams at me (my ex husband, not my son). He is determined to create problems between me and him when the real issues are between he and his son. But I have to stand there and be insulted, attacked, demeaned, degraded, all in front of my son. I have to try to maintain not only my temper, but my dignity. I have to struggle to be the bigger person for the benefit of my son.

I stand there, watching my son fight tears, meanwhile I'm fighting them, too. I personally don't care what my ex husband thinks of me, or calls me. I stopped caring about him long before we even split up. But it kills me to see him to blatantly and flagrantly hurt my son. I don't care who you are or what your circumstances are, if someone is screaming at your mother and calling her foul names, that hurts you. When you love your dad but he refuses to acknowledge serious problems within his household and between the two of you, that hurts you. When it's glaringly obvious that your father cares more about his feelings and wants than yours, that hurts you. And as a mother, it takes every ounce of strength I have to keep my cool and try to be as level headed as I can be while witnessing my ex hurt my son. I just have to be the one my son can count on and trust.

But all of this is definitely taking its toll. I think these "allergies" might actually be the beginnings of a cold, and I can't afford to have a cold right now. I have things I have to do in the next couple of days. Top of the list is the continuation of this battle with my ex.

The silver lining to all of this is I am getting a new tattoo tomorrow! It's my birthday gift, and I honestly cannot wait to see her design for it and get it! Of course, I will post pictures tomorrow, if I can get decent ones and get them up. I feel lucky, too, because I get to take my new friend Crystal, and she's wanting to get a tattoo, too.

Tattoos can be an incredibly personal experience, but I really enjoy having a friend there with me. Both times I have been tattooed before were with a friend, and now I'm doubly lucky because the artist is a friend of mine, too. Her work is amazing, so I can't wait! I thought about telling you the design now, but I think I'll keep that a secret. Partly because I love keeping secrets, and partly because I haven't seen her final design! I gave her a rough idea of what I wanted and some colors I would like, but told her it's up to her design it herself.

I have a couple others on the short list for after this one. I'll have to talk to Amelia and see what we can work out. She's doing this one for my birthday, and I did tell her I have another one in mind for Christmas, but if not before, I will definitely be getting these others after the first of the year when income taxes come. It's so cool having a great tattoo artist on my contacts list now!

Until tomorrow...