It's funny, because I've been thinking about this post and how I wanted to sum up 2010 for a few days now. I don't know that there really IS any way to sum up everything that has happened, though. To call it "eventful" would be a massive understatement. But it was also a year of the complete 180. In every way, it was the worst year of my life. And in every other way, it was the best year of my life. It does amaze me when I think about how the year started off, how quickly it escalated and disintegrated, and then how quickly we recovered and have risen above everyone and everything trying to drag us down.
I'm sure, if you have read any of the posts on this blog, you know the big picture of what's happened. And it's incredible to me how, just 10 months ago, I was so hopeless, so despondent. And I had NO idea how things had gotten to where they were, and absolutely no idea how to get out, end things, or get away. I was scared, sad, hurt, angry, and frustrated. I didn't expect things to end the way they did, and I never could have anticipated everything that has happened since.
I thought, since the ex and I weren't married and never had children, it would be a clean break, at the very least. It might not be easy, but once we were out and away, that would be it. But as most of you know, that hasn't been the case. For someone who has worked so hard to convince everyone how badly HE wanted to be away, he's the one who keeps dragging all of this out. As recently as September, even.
Now, let me address something that a lot of people have asked me and talked about: why haven't I done anything proactive about it? Why haven't I tried to stop it? Why haven't I done the same things he has in terms of contacting and pushing law enforcement? Well, the only answer I can give is: because, unlike him, I really do want this to be over. I really do want him away and out of my life. I could have done a dozen different things to try to pursue action against him for this harassment, but I haven't BY CHOICE. It was my choice to rise above it, and leave it all behind the best I can.
Even the police don't understand why I just put up with his constant harassment and why I don't retaliate. I honestly just don't have it in me. And I know that doing so will only prolong any contact or involvement with him, and I'm trying to avoid that at all cost. So I will go in and answer to any accusations he tries to drum up and cooperate fully with any of the multiple departments he bothers, and then leave, go home, and resume my life. Because that's what's important to me. My life and my future are so much more important to me than any of this petty drama and bullshit from my past. It's like they say: the past is the past for a reason. You've left it behind.
The last six months have been better than I ever thought they could be. I couldn't have imagined how happy I could be and how much stronger I would feel just by being on my own. I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but this is the first time in my life I've lived alone, as in without a room mate, boyfriend, or husband. I was very nervous, but obviously it was my choice. And I am SO glad I made it. I love living on my own. I love that I'm not cleaning up after anyone else (Tyler cleans up after himself), arguing about whose turn it is to do the dishes, or having to consider someone else's schedule or feelings about how loud I play the stereo, or when. It's been very freeing!
And everything that has come with the last six months have helped me grow and really figure out what is important to me, what I want for my future, and the kinds of things I will and won't tolerate from other people. I really spent way too much time putting up with things NOBODY should ever have to put up with, and that's not an exaggeration. No one should be violated, humiliated, degraded and demeaned, and manipulated. Not for one day, and not for three years. Not by a stranger, and definitely not by someone who says they love you and shares their life, their bed, and their home with you. Like I said before, I don't know why I put up with it, but anyone who would take someone in their most vulnerable state and abuse and neglect them for their own personal gain and gratification is a despicable and disgusting human being, and I cannot say enough how grateful and glad I am to be free of him. And I have nothing but pity and sadness for anyone who is trapped underneath him now.
This whole experience has also brought my son and I closer together, as well as everything that has happened with his father. That's another whole series of events that have caused us both to grow and shaped who we are. I wish that none of this had ever happened, but if it has to, I am glad we have each other to support and love through this, and we're strong enough to rise above it and be better than the people who are doing this to us. We definitely have our part in the choices we have made that have brought us to this point, but that's even more reason to be proactive in our lives and stand up for ourselves.
I am looking forward to 2011. I feel like we are well on our way to a great year, with bigger and better things ahead for us. I don't have any reason to feel violated anymore. I don't have any reason to be humiliated anymore. I don't have any reason to be degraded or demeaned anymore. I don't have any reason to feel manipulated or lied to anymore. I don't have any reason to feel hopeless anymore. I am not trapped at home with no money, no car, and no way to leave without help. I am in complete control of my life again, and it's the greatest feeling in the world. The best gift you can give yourself is the gift of personal freedom, and you don't realize how important it is until it's gone. You don't realize how wonderful driving yourself is, until you can't. How important having your own money is, until you don't have control of it anymore. How important just being able to get up and move around on your own is, until you can't without help, and the person who is supposed to help you abandons you. Above all else, I am so happy with my freedom, and I can't wait to see where it takes me in 2011!
So, let's recap the last day of 2010, shall we? First, I did my hair and makeup at home, which I loved. So I grabbed a pic before we left the house:
Then, Tyler wanted in on a pic with me. This was after about...ten tries because he kept making faces. But we were laughing by then. It's obvious how much he looks like me here. And yes, he really is the same height as me (I'm leaning back into him in the pic). Oh, and we cut his hair today, so it's shorter!:
Then, Tyler and I went to my best friend's house. She has been my best friend since sixth grade. Which is 20 years now. She is the sister I never had, and I don't know what I would have done without her. Tyler and her son are now great friends, which is awesome. We had dinner, hung out, and played the Xbox Kinect with them. It was SO FUN.
Me and Heather:
Heather and Tyler:
From there, Tyler stayed the night with them and I went to meet up with the Johnston sisters and friends at Bobby's Place. The place was packed, but they were smart enough to reserve a section. It was hot as balls in there, but it was so much fun! We laughed, took lots of pics, and had a really great time. Got there before midnight, so I caught the countdown and had champagne and drinks with everyone. I'm so glad they invited me! Best NYE in a long time!Me with the sisters (I've known them my whole life!):
All the girls (and some random guy?):
Me and Jen:
Steph and Sonia:
Steph and Rodney:
Jen and Darrell:
Had to go with the Crown and Coke, with a beer chaser, in honor of the ex(es) who I am SO glad to have left in 2010 (and beyond):
Then, things started to get...amazing:
So yeah. Basically, it was a very "cut loose and celebrate" kind of night, and we all needed it, AND deserved it! Everyone got home safe and sound, and we're all fine today.I love my friends so much, they have stuck with me through thick and thin. And, even though I hid SO much of the last three years from them (out of shame and fear), not only have they not held it against me, they have really stepped up and been super supportive of my recovery and success since. For that, I can't thank them enough. And I hope it just brings us all that much closer.
And, my family, too. My family isn't perfect (far from it), but when the cards were on the table, and some things became very clear to them after a long period of time where things didn't seem to add up, or didn't make sense, they really became my biggest champions, and still are to this day. I wouldn't have been able to stay sane without all my friends and family being there for me. So ultimately, 2010, for me, was about finding out where my priorities really needed to be and how abundant my life could become once they were all straightened out!
My life in 2010 was sort of a "Cinderella story", except mine has a very happy ending:
Now, it has become a whole different animal. Something that I actually gain from, every day, instead of feeling like I'm losing a piece of myself every step of the way. And, like most things, it seems to have come full circle. So, the biggest lesson I have learned from all of this: only the strong survive.
"Maybe things happen for a reason. And wherein lies the answer to overcome the grieving of life's unruly lessons I'm handed in succession. It builds my pain which makes me stronger...I will survive. You will survive. We will survive."
Happy 2011 to you! Day one of a wonderful year for us. And lots of blog posts to come!
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