Wtf is going on?

What a shit sucking day! The weather- horrible. It's that cold, misty, winter rain that I HATE. And to top it all off, I feel like total dogshit!

I didn't sleep last night. AT ALL. I WENT to sleep last night. Good and early, too. I fell asleep just fine. The problem? I woke up....oh, probably FIVE or SIX times in the middle of the night. Just, woke up. Wide awake. From a complete, dead sleep to wide awake. And, as if that wasn't disturbing enough, I was practically in the middle of a panic attack each time. But why was I panicking? I don't have any reason to be panicking. My bills are paid, Christmas went fine. Haven't heard from the crazy ex (or the police) in months now. Why would I feel so much anxiety?

Then, today, I felt like I was being followed. No lie. I felt like I had to look over my shoulder everywhere I went. I ran a couple of errands, went to WalMart and the grocery store, and I just kept feeling like I needed to be looking over my shoulder. But the freaky thing was, I knew wholeheartedly that I wasn't being followed. No one was watching me. But I was overwhelmed by the feeling that I needed to look. I fought it, of course. Don't want to look like a lunatic in public, but I cannot figure out where this is coming from!

So thanks to a complete lack of sleep and being on the verge of a panic attack all day, I feel physically ill. My back and legs are killing me, of course. I'm sure that's at least partially to blame for my lack of sleep. But when I don't sleep well (or enough), my stomach gets really upset. Same when I have a lot of anxiety. My stomach literally gets tied up in knots. So I have been sick to my stomach all day today. The only upside is: I've hardly eaten anything lol. I finally broke down and had a grilled chicken breast sandwich on a whole wheat bun and tomato soup for dinner. Which was amazing, by the way.

It's funny how I talked before about food and how much I love to cook and bake and so on, but sometimes, the best thing ever is something very, very simple. When I don't feel well, I love a plain sandwich and hot soup. Especially when it's cold and rainy out! I wish I had the energy to make grilled cheese tonight- that would have been perfect. But I just couldn't think about standing there and waiting for it to cook. Back and legs are hurting too bad for that. So I settled for a reheat and eat grilled chicken breast from the other night. It was so good, though.

I'm exhausted right now, so I'm going to try to go to bed early. Not that I have anything particular to do tomorrow (other than try to start taking the Christmas decorations down). But I don't want to feel like shit tomorrow. And I definitely don't want to wake up half a dozen times tonight. I really wish I knew who or what was making me do that. Thinking about taking a sedative to ward off whatever heebie jeebies are lingering around.

Oh well. Here's to a good night's sleep. I hope!