I didn't forget, I swear!

I know, I missed two days of posting. No big deal, but I did commit to posting at least something small every day. But I also gave myself permission to miss a post or two here and there because, hey, life happens.

So I missed Friday and Saturday's posts. But I have a good reason! I was out, having fun :)

I have been dating again in the last couple of months. Which is really, really strange, to be honest. Not because it's abnormal. Most single people date. But it's abnormal for ME, because I haven't really done it in my adult life. I dated a lot as a teenager, but I was married with a child at 20, and then went straight from that marriage into 5 1/2 years with someone else, who was a very close friend before we dated. So no dating in between.

I've actually really been enjoying dating. I was really nervous about it at first. Partly because I hadn't done it in over 12 years, and I knew it would be very different from when I was a teenager. Teenage boys have different ideas of a "date" than men in their 30s or 40s. A lot of that has to do with maturity, and there is a factor of money, too. Teenage boys don't have any. And grown men do (hopefully! haha).

So I haven't really been having trouble finding dates. I am actually kind of surprised by how many cute, decent single men there are out there. But I'm realizing that most of them are in similar situations to me. A lot of them have been married before, many of them have kids, and we're all looking for someone that compliments us better than our exes.

It's funny, because I read something in a magazine several years ago about "starter marriages". The article was talking about the high divorce rates of people in their 20s and 30s, and the blasse attitude we all seemed to have about being divorced. A couple generations ago, divorce was almost unheard of. Then, our parents started getting divorced more frequently, but there was still sort of a negative connotation to it. Now, our generation seems very unmoved and unrattled by the concept of divorce. In fact, most of us are more shocked and awed by someone who HASN'T been divorced than someone who has been. When we're meeting new people and dating, someone telling us they've been divorced typically doesn't factor into whether or not we consider them worthy of a date. We view first marriages as something we did when we were young, dumb, and willing to settle for less. Now, we're all looking for "the one".

Which brings me to the only real problem I have been having with dating. Maybe it's because of our age, but I have trouble meeting guys who aren't looking to be serious quickly. To be completely honest, I'm just not ready for something serious right now. I am trying to enjoy being single and take the time to get myself and my life settled and in order before I consider getting overly involved with someone else.

I do have trust issues with men. Actually, with people in general. But I'd be lying if I said that my last relationship didn't have any long term repercussions. Like I said before, this was someone who was literally my closest and best friend for months before anything romantic developed. He was my life line. I shared everything with him. And when it seemed like my life was disintegrating and I didn't have much to look forward to, I looked forward to talking to him. He was funny, upbeat, charming, and above everything else, he listened to me. He was there for me in a way no one else was. I counted on him for so much, and I tried to be the best friend I could to him, too. He was having problems, too. I felt like I had a kindred spirit with him.

And when our lives both went in the direction of divorce, not only were we there for each other as friends, but other emotions starting creeping to the surface. I can only speak for myself when I say I was really nervous about it, but because of how close we were, because of how much I trusted him, I thought I could take the risk. But I'm not a complete fool. I did tell him I was nervous, and I tried to make him understand the weight of what we were considering. On my end, it was because I had this amazing little boy who was already one of his biggest fans. My worst nightmare was that my son would become completely attached to this man, and things would go south and we would both lose him. Since I am an adult, I would have to deal with that and cope with the consequences of my choice and actions. But a child doesn't have those skills or that ability. Especially when his parents are getting divorced and his father's role in his life is changing already.

I knew my son would get more attached to my ex because of what was happening between his dad and me. He latched onto my ex because he was everything his father wasn't. I tried really hard to explain to my ex how this would affect my son if things went bad between us, but he reassured me that there was virtually no risk involved, and he understood what he was doing.

Another issue I raised was the ending of his marriage. I felt like I was in a unique situation because my marriage had been rocky and on the verge of ending for years. This was something both me and my ex husband knew was coming for a long time. In fact, we divorced very amicably. I explained to my ex boyfriend that I was concerned that there hadn't been enough time between when his wife had left and when we were thinking of starting a relationship, but he had told me before that she had left many times in the past, and that they had essentially lived different lives in the same house, which is how my ex husband and I lived. Those similarities were part of what made us such good friends, we lived very similar lives within our marriages. My ex boyfriend assured me that he had been over his wife for a long time, and was completely ready to be with me.

He told me that me and my son presented a kind of life he had been craving for many years. He really wanted to be a father and have a more "normal" married life. He wanted a wife who was plugged in. Someone who cared for him and the kids, who cooked, cleaned, who greeted him when he came home from work, someone who looked forward to and enjoyed spending time with him. I do know for a fact that was not how things were with his wife, and he really seemed genuine in what he was telling me. And for several months, he kept expressing to me how much he appreciated me, how much he was enjoying the differences in our lives from before, and so on. He talked quite a bit in the beginning about getting married. Something I just wasn't sure was right. I felt like, if things were working and we were meant to be together, there was no reason to rush into marriage. Especially because we were both still working through the court system to legalize our divorces. He had married his high school sweetheart at 18, and I was married and had a baby by 20. I just thought maybe we should breathe a little before we jumped back in, headfirst.

That turned out to be a glimmer of wisdom in the midst of the new love fog we all experience. When you're newly in a relationship, your judgment and reasoning is so clouded by the happiness and joy you're experiencing, you can sometimes misjudge the reality of the situation, overlook the obvious issues, and be much more forgiving of the faults of the other person. That's why they call it the "honeymoon phase". I know a lot of people that make monumental mistakes during this time of the relationship, the biggest being actually getting married.

I'd be lying if I said the only reason I didn't, at the time, was because I was smart enough to see he wasn't right for me. That's not true, at all. In reality, if I'm being totally honest, the only thing stopping me from buying into his proposal was the fact that we both WERE still married. My divorce was over sooner than his, but I feel like everything does happen for a reason. I do believe, now, that the reason his divorce ultimately took so long was it prevented me from making what would have been the biggest mistake of my life. And I mean that. My marriage to my ex husband was a mistake, but I got Tyler from it. And, as I said, it did end very amicably. And we probably would still be very amicable, if not for the choices he has made in his life. He is very unhappy with his life right now, and he has people in his life who interfere with our relationship as parents to our son, and who are giving him very, very poor advice and instruction on how to handle things both with me, and with our son.

But if I had married my ex boyfriend, I can't even begin to imagine how badly I'd be suffering right now. I suffered tremendously in the last portion of our relationship. He was unfaithful, incredibly dishonest, and manipulative. He used me every day to his own benefit. Sometimes for physical reasons, sometimes for financial reasons, sometimes just because he didn't have anyone else but me. It's an incredibly horrible feeling to look back on something that started out so amazing and realize what it became. As bad as his actions were, it was the betrayal of someone who, at one time, was the closest person in my life that hurt so badly. Someone who I told on almost a daily basis how important their friendship was to me, someone who knew how much I trusted and needed them. To know that someone is well aware of where they stand in your life, and then still make conscious choices that hurt you so dramatically, that's what kills you.

I can't tell you how many times I would stand in front of that man and cry, telling him that he was my best friend, and ask him how he could do the things to me he did. And he would just stand there, looking at me, with nothing in his eyes. No light, no emotion, no life. Just...blank. He would just stand there, watching me sob, knowing I was in agony because of his actions, and he wouldn't even try to comfort me. He would just keep telling me "I'm sorry. Something's wrong with me. I'm sorry". But when I tried to make him leave, or when I talked about leaving, he did everything he could to prevent it. I can't sit here and tell you why I didn't do it anyway. I wish I knew. I think if I knew why, I wouldn't be so apprehensive about new relationships.

So that's where I am now. I am happy to date. In fact, I'm loving it. I love the feeling of getting dressed up and ready for a date. The butterflies and anticipation. I love spending time with someone who is obviously happy to be there with me, too. But I think most men my age are looking for their next wife. They're not looking to waste time with someone who isn't looking for the same. Or, as I've discovered, they think they can convert me. That I'll want the same thing, if they just show me how great they are. How much they make, how they can take care of a family, etc. Every date I've been on has been with the guy telling me how much he misses having a family at home. Misses having the woman waiting for them at the end of the day. Someone to watch tv and movies with, cuddle with, go to the store with on the weekends, go out to eat with, and sleep next to at night. And I get it. I do. I miss those things, too.

That was one of the odd things about me and my ex. We did all of those things literally up to the last day. Maybe it's because we still enjoyed each other's company, despite everything bad going on on the surface? Maybe it's because we just craved it, as human beings. And I do miss it. But, for me, I can't ever settle for someone that isn't right for me, just to have that, again. That's what I did for the entire last part of my relationship with him, and it nearly killed me. There were times that I thought, I can't take another day of this. That the despair was so bad, I didn't know what to do or where to turn. And coupled with the hopelessness of my medical situation, I thought, there is no way I can keep going like this. I've never been suicidal, but I swear, I thought my body would just give up on me. It hurt so badly sometimes, the pain was physical. It's as though my brain and heart couldn't endure the torment anymore, and the pain manifested as physical pain. I do think that many times when my body was screaming at me, it wasn't as much my injuries acting out as it was the stress and torture of my relationship falling apart becoming physical.

So call me trigger shy. Because I really don't know why I couldn't just walk away from him sooner and why it happened to begin with, I'm afraid to go through it again. I still feel very vulnerable. I haven't completely recovered from what happened with him. I think we all need healthy grieving to really get past traumatic events, and I have been doing really well, in spite of what's happened, but it's only been about 6 months. Which is a fraction of the almost 6 years I lived with him. I don't think there is a magic number for how long it takes, but for me, six months isn't it. And I'm still injured. I can't endure the idea of trusting another man to help me and take care of me and be abandoned again. I can't stomach the thought of someone turning on me, using my injury against me as a reason to become hateful toward me, cheat on me, lie to me, and leave me. I can't even think about that possibility.

One of the guys I dated for some time in the last couple of months said to me "not every man you encounter is going to be like your ex, you know". And he's right. In fact, I'd wager good money that no one else will ever be like him. And I don't mean that in the "awww, how sweet" kind of way. There was something very wrong with that man, but the friendship before the relationship and the honeymoon phase both blinded me to his reality. Either that, or he was very, very good at hiding it, until he just couldn't anymore. I think it's a combination of both, actually. The more time that passes and the more distance I get from him, the more things I think about that seem obvious now. I do think it was a combination of several things. I think the close friendship ahead of time made me trust him when I shouldn't have. I think the honeymoon phase made me overlook things that should have been huge red flags to me. I think he was good at hiding some of the things that lived under the surface (he would even comment that he couldn't ever tell me "everything" about how "crazy" he was, when we talked about his ocd and anxiety. I should have pressed more, or been more wary about what he was telling me. He was giving me the red flag himself, I just didn't see it.) And finally, I do think whatever his demons are became much worse, as time went on. I think he literally couldn't hide from them anymore, and he couldn't hide them from me. He couldn't control his compulsions, even when they directly affected and hurt me. He couldn't stop his obsessions, even when he had to see and deal with the fallout right in front of his face. And, as a direct result, I think he essentially just shut down his emotions and conscience because he couldn't live with the consequences of his choices. It was either become numb or go completely insane. So he became cold, distant, angry, hostile, and cruel. He picked fights to try to invoke a negative reaction from me. He tried to create an environment so negative and hostile that it would then justify his actions behind my back. But when I wouldn't bite, when I wouldn't play along, when I just didn't have it in me to fight back, he lost his mind. He couldn't live with his own unwarranted actions, and he couldn't accept the pain and torment he had inflicted upon me, and pretending not to care anymore didn't work, so he went crazy.

Like I said, everything happens for a reason. If he hadn't gone crazy, if he hadn't become frightening, I might not have left. I might not have forced to make the decision. It's funny, because at first, he seemed to understand. In light of the conversations we had been having for weeks and months about how he had changed and the mental health treatment he had been seeking, he seemed to have moments of clarity that helped him realize I had to get away. He even admitted to me, once, that he knew I had to get away from him. That he could see how it was killing me. But as the time approached, he fought it. He refused to cooperate with me. He wouldn't take me to look at apartments. He wouldn't help me pack anything. He stopped bringing home boxes from school. He did everything he could to prevent it, and when he couldn't prevent it, he refused to see it. He left and never came back. He admitted on the stand in court, after the fact, that he left and couldn't handle returning.

Maybe it was facing the reality of his own actions? Maybe he couldn't live with knowing how bad he had fucked things up? Maybe he just couldn't imagine that something that started out so incredible, so amazing, with his best friend could have gone so terribly, horribly wrong because of what lived inside of him.

I'm not saying I don't have any part in how things went wrong. I am the one who stayed, over and over. I am the one who forgave him, gave him chances, when he didn't deserve them. I am the one who didn't press him when he was seeing a therapist and taking medication but things weren't changing drastically. I was the one who trusted him when he gave me every reason not to. I chose not to see the glaring warning signs that he was giving me. To his credit, he did try to warn me. Maybe not intentionally, but something inside him knew I needed to get away, so he tried. Not often, but often enough.

And was I a grade A bitch sometimes? YUP. Absolutely. But I think if most people were in my shoes, they would have acted the same way. If you live with someone and they lie to you, sleep with other people behind your back, torment you, tease you, pick fights with you, and generally try to make you as miserable as they are, you eventually will become a megabitch. Am I proud of it? No. But I also tried everything I could to resolve the issues before it got to that. No one is a huge bitch every day, no matter how bad things are. And my thought about the whole thing is: if I was so bad, why didn't HE leave? And if I had the answers to why I didn't listen, why I didn't leave, why I didn't force him away from us, I probably wouldn't be so reluctant to try to fall in love again.

I'm sure when the right guy comes along, I won't have a choice in the matter. Love isn't something we decide, it's something that just is. It happens to us, in spite of us, not because of us. But, what I've learned, is that real, honest, true loves endures. It isn't something that happens in the beginnings of a relationship. That's not what you're feeling. You're feeling attraction, excitement, butterflies, hope, and lust. Real love is what exists after all of that goes away. Real love is what grows out of those initial feelings and experiences. Real love is what causes loyalty, forgiveness, and creates the bonds that incite you to live your life in a way that compliments your partner, not make them hurt or angry. We all make mistakes, but when you make conscious choices that hurt and demean the person you're living your life with, under whatever context, that's not love. That's just cruelty.

The only thing I know for sure is that what I felt for him was love. I think one of the reasons I did stay, forgive, and try was because I loved him. I loved him in spite of his issues, in spite of his obvious and ever increasing mental illness. I loved him in spite of his obsessions, his anxiety, his compulsions. I loved him in spite of his lies. I loved him long after the newness and honeymoon phase ended and all that was left was this damaged, flawed, imperfect man that treated me as though I was less than human. But just as obvious as it is that I loved him, it's obvious that he didn't love me. Never did. Like I said, what existed in the beginning wasn't love. And when that faded away, love for him developed inside of me, but not inside him for me. I used to wonder how great it would have been if he had loved me back. If he had tried to make me happy. If he had cared what I was going through. As much as I loved him, it could have been amazing. But some people aren't capable of really loving someone else because they are so flawed. And some couples just aren't meant to be together, no matter how hard they try. Maybe there's another factor I haven't even considered. But whatever the reason, the love wasn't mutual.

The only major regret I have about everything is how it hurt and affected my son. Unfortunately, kids are so quick to trust, and they love so deeply and completely that they become completely consumed with the people they love. My son worshipped my ex. He loved him so deeply and so completely that he was closer to him than his own father.At the time, I was fine with it. I actually encouraged it. I thought it was healthy for them both. And for the longest time, it seemed to be mutually beneficial. Even when I questioned my ex's love for me, I never questioned his love for my son. It was obvious to me that he deeply loved my son, and there were times I was sure the only reason we were still together was my son (and there may still be some truth to that). But, the last five months of our relationship have caused me to completely rethink his feelings for my son, and I hate that. I am now wondering if his relationship with my son was just another manipulation, as a means to keep me around. He knew how much their relationship meant to me, and I wonder now if that was his plan all along. If he was actively involved with and close to my son, I would be more forgiving and tolerant of how he was treating me. Let's just say he knew me very well.

But after the first of this year, he turned on my son, too. He became cold, distant, and even cruel to him. What I don't know is if it was because he never really loved my son and it was all part of a plan he was no longer interested in acting through, or if his mental illness finally got so bad he just couldn't have personal interaction and bonds with anyone anymore. Maybe it was both. But I think now about how much pain I was in and how devastated I was, and it kills me to think about how hurt my son was then, too. Because while this had been going on for some time between me and the ex, this was the first time my ex had acted this way toward my son. So he had no clue what was happening or how to stop or change it. And the way things ended, with him leaving without warning or saying goodbye and not coming back, will forever affect my son. I'm not saying that to be dramatic, but anyone who knows anything about children could tell you that. It's essentially like the sudden and dramatic death of someone who is very close to you. For all intents and purposes, this man was a parent to my son. He was in his life literally every day. And then he was just gone. No goodbyes, so I'm sorrys, just gone like smoke in the wind. It still affects him. He still talks about it sometimes. And with how things are going with his dad now, I know it plays a part. I just try to help him grieve and reassure him that this man is NOT indicative of all men, and we talk about the future and what we hope for down the line.

But that also plays a part in how I'm approaching dating and new relationships. I honestly am not sure if I can ever really trust another man to be a part of my son's life. If someone who was, at one time, my best friend in the world can hurt my son the way this man did with his actions and choices, how could I ever be confident that it wouldn't happen again?

The answer is: I can't be. I can't ever be sure that no one will hurt us the way my ex did. But that's not a reason to avoid men altogether. And it's not a reason to avoid serious relationships, either. I know the right person is out there for me, somewhere. And every dark cloud does have a silver lining. I learned a lot from this last relationship. About myself and about relationships, in general. I will never again make the mistake of avoiding red flags. When someone shows you a reason to be cautious, BE CAUTIOUS. When someone shows you a reason to second guess them, DO IT. When someone's actions make you question their intentions, their motivations, their loyalties, their morals and values, STOP and rethink what this could cost you. The initial feelings you have with someone in the first months and years of a relationship are NOT so special that it's worth losing everything down the line. It's not worth feeling less than human because someone treats you as such. And, if you have children, it's not worth watching them hurt worse than they ever have been and spending the rest of your life trying to help them grieve and understand things that can't be understood. It's just not worth it. Real love will be with someone that you never have to question. Someone that doesn't lie, about everything, all the time, like it's a compulsion. Someone who doesn't hide, twist or distort facts. Someone who is an open book, from day one. Because if someone cannot be honest with themselves about who they are, they'll never be honest with you, period.

All of that said, I had a great date on Friday night. He was cute, sweet, and very open with me about his situation and recent past. Interestingly, we seem to be coming out of relationships with people with sort of similar issues and actions. So there is some camaraderie there. The only bad thing is: it made me want to endear myself to him, to trust him, but that made me instantly pull back. Apparently, enough so that he commented on it. Asked me if something was wrong. Was something wrong? No, absolutely not. That should have been a good thing. But, like anyone else with a still-healing wound, I ducked and covered. I didn't know how to explain it to him in a way that he would understand. But to his credit, I didn't even try to. For all I know, he would have completely understood. But I tried to relax, unclench, so to speak, and enjoy spending time with him, and I did. I've even decided to see him again, because I don't think it's fair to penalize him for something he hasn't done. Maybe this is a big turning point for me? This guy might not be "the one", but who knows, he has just as much shot as anyone else. And, if he IS "the one", he will be patient and understanding of my reluctance, and real love will grow from whatever it is we're feeling right now, and in the months and years to come.

I look forward to finding real love again, when it comes. This time, it will come back to me in ways it didn't in this last relationship. I'll be ready for it, and it will be great :)