Not feeling it tonight

I was *this* close to not even posting tonight, but I'm trying to stick to my promise to myself that I would blog every day.

I'm having a really bad day. Really bad couple of days, actually. I feel like everything is caving in on me right now, and I can't stand the feeling. I feel like I'm suffocating. Drowning. You get the picture.

I feel like I'm running out of options, and I am definitely running out of time. I so did not want to even blog about this, because I feel like it's super personal, and I hate how I'm feeling right now.

I actually deleted a bunch of posts from about a year ago for this very reason. When I went back and reread them before I started posting again a couple weeks ago, it made me sick to my stomach. Rereading the things I wrote, remembering how I was feeling, and how hard I've tried to get past all that. I'm not sure if deleting them was the best move, now. There might come a time in my life when I would have liked to be able to read them. And there's a possibility that I might have been able to learn something from them, if I let enough time pass between then and now. But my automatic, gut reaction was to delete them. Almost like, if I deleted them, then the events never happened, the feelings never existed. But it doesn't work like that, unfortunately.

So all I can do right now is hope that something miraculous will happen in the next 48 hours, and that when I look back on this post in a few months/years, I will feel really good about how far I've come since this.

The eternal optimist in me is pushing for a happy ending. But life isn't a fairy tale, and I'm not Cinderella, so I'd settle for just breaking even, for once.