Wtf is going on?

What a shit sucking day! The weather- horrible. It's that cold, misty, winter rain that I HATE. And to top it all off, I feel like total dogshit!

I didn't sleep last night. AT ALL. I WENT to sleep last night. Good and early, too. I fell asleep just fine. The problem? I woke up....oh, probably FIVE or SIX times in the middle of the night. Just, woke up. Wide awake. From a complete, dead sleep to wide awake. And, as if that wasn't disturbing enough, I was practically in the middle of a panic attack each time. But why was I panicking? I don't have any reason to be panicking. My bills are paid, Christmas went fine. Haven't heard from the crazy ex (or the police) in months now. Why would I feel so much anxiety?

Then, today, I felt like I was being followed. No lie. I felt like I had to look over my shoulder everywhere I went. I ran a couple of errands, went to WalMart and the grocery store, and I just kept feeling like I needed to be looking over my shoulder. But the freaky thing was, I knew wholeheartedly that I wasn't being followed. No one was watching me. But I was overwhelmed by the feeling that I needed to look. I fought it, of course. Don't want to look like a lunatic in public, but I cannot figure out where this is coming from!

So thanks to a complete lack of sleep and being on the verge of a panic attack all day, I feel physically ill. My back and legs are killing me, of course. I'm sure that's at least partially to blame for my lack of sleep. But when I don't sleep well (or enough), my stomach gets really upset. Same when I have a lot of anxiety. My stomach literally gets tied up in knots. So I have been sick to my stomach all day today. The only upside is: I've hardly eaten anything lol. I finally broke down and had a grilled chicken breast sandwich on a whole wheat bun and tomato soup for dinner. Which was amazing, by the way.

It's funny how I talked before about food and how much I love to cook and bake and so on, but sometimes, the best thing ever is something very, very simple. When I don't feel well, I love a plain sandwich and hot soup. Especially when it's cold and rainy out! I wish I had the energy to make grilled cheese tonight- that would have been perfect. But I just couldn't think about standing there and waiting for it to cook. Back and legs are hurting too bad for that. So I settled for a reheat and eat grilled chicken breast from the other night. It was so good, though.

I'm exhausted right now, so I'm going to try to go to bed early. Not that I have anything particular to do tomorrow (other than try to start taking the Christmas decorations down). But I don't want to feel like shit tomorrow. And I definitely don't want to wake up half a dozen times tonight. I really wish I knew who or what was making me do that. Thinking about taking a sedative to ward off whatever heebie jeebies are lingering around.

Oh well. Here's to a good night's sleep. I hope!

Ugh. I am SO tired!

I'm getting an early start tonight, because I am WHOOPED. I don't know what's going on, but I feel like I am actually getting MORE tired as the days go by. We have been sleeping in a lot, but we've also been staying up later. Last week was super busy, so I know that's part of it. And I know my back and legs have been hurting a lot, so I'm sure I'm not sleeping as well as I could or should be, but omg. I am just plain wiped out.

I really want a Red Bull. Or a Diet Mt Dew. But I haven't really had caffeine since September. So I really don't want to break the cleanse again. I've been wanting to be off my caffeine habit for YEARS now, but never could, so I really don't want to fall off the wagon again just because I'm dragging ass for a few days. But man, it's hard.

And after I wrote that whole post last night about food and everything, I ate like complete crap today lol. Tyler has been begging me to use the Five Guys giftcard we got from my grandma ever since I got in on Christmas. I had told him we might go tonight for dinner, but he was climbing the walls at lunch, asking about it. So I took both the boys and we spent an hour there, eating and chomping on fries, enjoying being out of the house. The burger tasted great, but I paid for it with a stomachache before we even got in the car.

So I tried to redeem myself tonight, and had a Lean Cuisine that's been hanging out in my freezer for a couple weeks. I don't eat those often, mostly because they taste like shit. Tonight's flavor was four cheese manicotti. Has anyone else ever had the Lean Cuisine four cheese manicotti? No? Let me save you some trouble. It's the culinary equivalent of kindergarten paste. Same color, texture, and I'm fairly certain it's the same flavor. And the "red sauce", basically ketchup, as far as I can tell. So that didn't go down well. I opted for a pb and strawberry j on whole wheat bread. YUM. And I just got done having a banana and a yogurt, which was instead of apple pie and ice cream again. I'm trying, here!

It's funny, though, because we have been eating a LOT of bananas, yogurt, and string cheese around here the last few months. I practically live on them. Good for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks! It's kind of sad, though. I think about how we were eating when we had a culinary student in the house, and how we eat now. Kind of pathetic lol. It's not that I don't think I could cook like that, because I do think I could. But MAN it's so involved and complicated sometimes. Too much work for me, for day to day life. It's hard enough to try to keep up with the dishes from normal, every day cooking. I don't think I could keep up with the kind of dishes that cooking generates.

NYE is this weekend, and I have several offers for plans. I want to do something that I can include Tyler in, though, so that automatically narrows it down. But I definitely need to cut loose a little, it's been a long month, and a Hell of a year. I am SO looking forward to next year, and especially the first few months. Tyler's bday is the 24th of Jan, and I want to do something big for him for his bday. Don't know exactly what yet, but I have my fingers crossed I can come through with something cool. I am really looking forward to getting my income tax refund because I have some things I want to get for the house, and some things we need to take care of. I'm hoping my W2 comes as fast this year as it did last year (I think it was mid Jan last year?).

Not much else to talk about today. I did want to share a SUPER cute picture I took yesterday, though.
The boys in their footie pajamas. HOW FREAKIN CUTE ARE THEY? Can't believe Tyler's still fit him LOL. He swore they did, but I didn't believe him. I think we bought those...three years ago? Just goes to show that, even though he has grown a LOT since then, he doesn't carry his weight quite the same as he used to. He has definitely gotten taller, though. When he was at the dr last week, I think they said he's just under 5'5" and 148 lbs. He's basically looking me in the eye now (I'm only 5'6"). He'll be taller than me by next summer, I'm sure. And even my family kept commenting on how tall he is and how much older he looks at Christmas. A couple of them even got his age wrong, trying to guess. He is very close in age to both my cousin (who is 13), and my cousin's daughter (who is 10). Everyone kept arguing that Tyler was older than them both, that he was 14 going to be 15. I was like um, no. He actually goes to the same school as my 13 year old cousin, so she's in 8th grade. I'm like, if he's 14, how is she in 8th grade and he's only in 6th? lol. It was funny, though. He is a lot taller than she is, and does look older.

So, on the way to Five Guys at lunch, this song came up on my ipod, and I haven't heard it in SO LONG. It's one of those songs that I absolutely LOVE, but never remember the name of. I had to look at the screen to see what the name was, even. I just love most everything Maynard does, and this reminds me of seeing Tool in concert a couple years ago, which I STILL can't believe we pulled off. It's so hard to get tickets to a Tool show! And not only did we get tickets, but we got GREAT seats. And it really IS an experience. One I'll never forget! So tonight's song is:

I think I'll dl the Amy Lee cover and sing along :) Happy Tuesday!

Food!

This post is (hopefully) going to be short and sweet. Tyler and I had dinner, then I took a shower, then we watched the Grinch movie (the live action one with Jim Carrey). I didn't realize it was an almost 2 hour movie, so we just finished! All I want to do right now is dry my hair and go to bed!

But last night, I promised I would blog tonight about food, since there has been SO MUCH OF IT the last couple of weeks.

It's funny, but what prompted me to want to talk about it was the pics I posted of my makeup last night. When I posted them and actually looked at them, I realized how much it showed how much weight I had lost. And just for comparison purposes, I went back and looked at pics of me from around Christmas last year, and wow. Now, I know it would make sense to insert both pics here, but I'm not going to do that. I'm not very happy with pics of myself normally, but to show exactly how fat I looked last year compared to this year...yeah. Not going there just yet.

It's not like I didn't know I've lost a lot of weight. I go to the doctor almost every month. Sometimes more often, depending on what's going on. It's hovering around the 70 lb mark right now. That's since April. There are a LOT of contributing factors to how so much has come off so quickly. Namely, stress and anxiety. At least, that's what got the ball rolling. I've also had some, shall we say, "medical" issues that close friends and family know about (but that I'm not quite prepared to share openly with strangers and/or less desirable people who might come across this blog). But I really just started losing. I didn't really change the way I eat, or what I eat, because while I'm not a saint when it comes to food, I don't think I'm terrible. I don't overindulge often, and I don't eat horrible things, generally. I think a lot of it was hormonal, and the last 2 years it had more to do with a mixture of my injury (and subsequent lack of moving around, at all) and various medications the doctors were giving me to try to get me well (steroids, narcotics, etc.). For the most part, I am currently medication free. And unfortunately, I have to move around much more now because I don't have someone there to help me. My son is here, but he can't do everything. So I make do.

But I did have a significant "medical issue" toward the end of summer/early fall that caused the greatest amount of weight loss. And it started in late July and went straight through today. I am still losing weight because of this "medical issue". Let's just say it's a real calorie burner lol. I'm not complaining, trust me, but it wasn't something I had planned or was expecting, so it kind of came out of left field. Because I went so long without knowing about it, it could have been terrible. But I did find out about it when I did, so I was able to seek medical treatment and they helped me deal with it and get me as well as can be expected. But this is something I was dealing with for months before we addressed it, and looking back now, I can see how it was affecting me back then. I'm just glad to know now what was going on, because it was definitely affecting me. It made me tired, cranky, sick, and moody, so I'm glad there was a reason and it wasn't just me being weird.

But the reason for the blog tonight is that there has been SO MUCH FOOD the last couple of weeks. I've already blogged about all the cooking and baking we have done here. And most of what we made, we gave away. I did have enough to give Tyler a good Christmas, but I couldn't really afford to splurge on friends and family. And because everyone knew how hard things were in the weeks and months after we split from the ex, they told us NOT to get them anything. But I can't just do nothing, so we baked and we cooked. The irony is: quality baking ingredients are EXPENSIVE. A bag of walnuts is like $5 alone! And good quality semi sweet chocolate is like $5 for 8 oz. Crazy! So when you consider that we baked something like 200 cookies, and then pies, cakes, strudels, etc. it all adds up. It might have been cheaper to just buy gifts! LOL.

But my thinking was: we are giving everything away. So to have one cookie out of two dozen (have to taste test, after all) wasn't so bad. But then Christmas came, and it turns out that everyone else had the same idea we did! From my dad and Beth alone we got: 3 different kinds of cookies, chocolate fudge, white chocolate bark with raisins and cranberries, home made chex mix, banana AND pumpkin bread, and a crap ton of candy! My grandma also baked and gave us pumpkin bread AND pumpkin pie and a ton of Christmas cookies. Of course, Tyler got a crap ton of candy in his stocking. And it goes on and on. My aunt had at LEAST five different kinds of dessert at her house, and her fiance had baked it all, so when he kept asking us to try each thing, I felt rude to pass. Not that I really wanted to pass, but I kept thinking- I don't want to fall off the wagon! By the time I left their house, my stomach hurt SO BAD.

So I'm sitting here now, trying not to go in there and heat up a piece of dutch apple pie and scoop some french vanilla on top of it! That's all I want to do right now! But I am trying to be good. It's my own fault for making it, but I am trying to be good!

I think, for me, it's just about being more aware of what I'm eating and just not overdoing it. I wish I could say oh, I'm on this amazing diet and I work out five times a week. In fact, I would love nothing more. Maybe then it would be over 100 lbs instead of 70? But I cannot work out. And if I cut any more calories from my (normal, every day) diet, I might not be able to function! I already have had to make some drastic changes to my usual diet because of my "medical issues", so that's been an adjustment itself. But I'm working with my doctor to try to get back to eating the things I love and still feel well. But the biggest thing is, now that I'm finally losing weight, and keeping it off, I don't want to jeopardize that in any way.

So I'm thinking now about the new year and how I would like things to go. I was sitting here last night, thinking about how different things are for me since last Christmas, physically. I missed Christmas with my extended family because of my back. My hair was shorter. It wasn't the color I love! I was substantially heavier, and I wasn't very happy, generally. I didn't know it yet, but I was already dealing with the "medical issue" that came to a head this summer and has caused me to now lose so much weight. If I had known then what I know now, I might have done a lot differently. But then, I also might still be in a situation that I didn't want to be in then, and I'm grateful to be out of now. Everything happens for a reason, I'm sure of it.

So I think instead of having a piece of pie and ice cream, I'll grab a mini Snickers from Tyler's stocking on the way to bed. I am much happier with myself now, especially compared to last Christmas, and the pie will wait for another day.

I hope I can look back on this post in another 365 days and say I've lost another 70 lbs. Then, I'll be below my pre-pregancy weight! That would be amazing! But I'm a realist. I'd be happy to lose another 50 and be at my pre-pregnancy weight. Hell, I'd be happy to lose another 30 and be within 20 lbs of my pre-pregnancy weight! But, even if I don't lose another pound, I'm happier. Not because of how I look, the size I wear, or how I feel, but because of how different things are now than they used to be. How far I've come.

So, today's song is something that came up on my ipod on Christmas day, while I was doing my makeup to go to my aunt's house. How wonderfully, amazingly perfect:

Christmas isn't over!

The day after Christmas, it's such a great day! We have been so worn out all week from cooking, baking, and running around. This day was dedicated to just sitting around, chilling out, watching football, eating food, and playing with new toys :) And we did all of the above, and then some.

I actually just finished a bowl of warm, home made dutch apple pie and french vanilla ice cream. It was amazingly good! In years past, I have bought the dutch apple pie, but this year, I wanted to make it myself, and it's great. It's not quite as crunchy as the store bought one is, but the difference in the taste is worth it. And knowing I made it myself is even better. I really do love to bake. Sometimes I think I should have been a pastry chef. When the ex started culinary school, I was half tempted to go, too, and become a pastry chef. I mean, I love to cook anything, but for me, there is something very special and rewarding about baking pastries, cakes, pies, cookies, etc. I even thought, at one time, he and I could run a restaurant together. LOL. It's sad, though, because I think (if things had been different between us personally), we could have been VERY successful in business. He was smart in a lot of ways, and I know the restaurant business like the back of my hand. We're both hard workers, and we both love to cook. It could have been awesome. But, then we would have had to be together virtually 24/7, and we all see how well that worked out.

So I just bake for fun, and I love it. Tyler even really got into it this year. And he was the main cleaner upper, which was good. There is a lot I can do during baking that I can sit for, but cleaning up, you kind of have to be standing up for most of that. And my back just wasn't having it. In fact, I am in a lot of pain today. I guess it's all caught up to me. Everything we did this week, and then Christmas at my aunt's house last night. Sitting in a hard wood chair for most of the night, not getting home until late, etc. It all adds up. I actually had a dream last night that I was moving heavy furniture, which is funny. But I woke up feeling like I actually HAD been moving heavy furniture. Which was NOT funny. I haven't done much today, other than sit here, screw around online, crochet with my new Christmas yarn, and watch Tyler play the Wii and with his other new toys.

I promised pics last night, so here are some:
Christmas haul. Doesn't look like much, does it? The biggest thing I've learned: middle schoolers don't want a lot of gifts. They want EXPENSIVE gifts. Sheesh! I actually asked him, and he said he would rather only have a few expensive things than a lot of littler, cheaper crap. So that's what he got lol.
Stocking! Stuffed to the brim! ps: most of this is GONE already! And he's not sharing this year! Stingy!

New tennis shoes. This one, I wasn't able to surprise him with. I wasn't sure of his size (and good thing I checked, because he was an entire size bigger than I thought he would be! Damn growing kids!). Also, he thought he wanted one thing, until we got to the store, then he saw these and HAD to have them. So this was the pre-Christmas Christmas gift.
This was another gift from grandpa and Beth (he also got a Wii game and lightsaber attachments for his Wiimotes on Thursday). Oh, and these are his favorite jeans. I hate them. I won't let him wear them to school, so he wears them around the house. All the time. Including on Christmas morning. Yay.
Nerf gun. He has begged for this thing. Oh, and there's Little in the frame. He was very excited about the presents for some reason LOL.
Mario Galaxy. This was a last minute addition to the list. And, this is the game he has played the most! He loves it. It makes me motion sick.
Despicable Me. It was really funny when we saw it before, so I knew he'd like it, and he does. He didn't ask for this, but we watched it yesterday before we went to my aunt's. And he's tried to get me to watch it again today.
Star Wars something something about the Force, 2. This was the game he BEGGED for. And yet, he has hardly played it. He played it on a friend's xbox 360 and loved it, but he says it's "really different" on the Wii. I'm sure he'll play it, and beat it, by the end of the week. Watch.
Star Wars something about the Jedi Force Trainer. Can anyone guess how expensive this thing is?! Because I sure as Hell didn't know! I do now, though. But, it actually works. And he's been messing with it, so I guess it's worth it?
And his overstuffed stocking. He was very happy with his haul. For some reason, I felt like he should have more things to open, but he says he's really happy. He also got a watch and some Pokemon cards from Target on Thursday night. We stopped there after buying shoes because he decided that, since he now has black shoes, he needed black ankle socks. I asked him while we were there about a watch, because I think that's another thing you should pick out for yourself, instead of someone picking it out for you. So he got that, too. And of course, he conned me into getting him a $15 Pokemon set on the way to the register. So I guess he did get a lot of things, just not all on Christmas morning.

And the dogs got Christmas presents, too:

They're called Busy Bones. And they were! They were very highly entertained for about 20 mins each. And then they wanted to sniff where each other had eaten the bones to see if either of them had left anything behind. I didn't get the cats anything, because the cats don't eat treats or play with toys :( Well, Pooh will eat tuna, but I didn't want to give her something that Waverly wouldn't eat, because it wouldn't feel fair. I know, I'm insane lol.

Lastly, I was really happy with my makeup for last night, and I was *this* close to taking it off when I realized I hadn't taken any pics of it, so I thought I would. You might not care, but I love makeup. And I got constant compliments on it from my family, too. My hair was up in a ponytail, and those earrings were a Christmas gift. But I was already in my pajamas lol.

It was silver and purple, even the lipgloss was purple! Earrings were silver and purple, and my top was silver, purple, and black. Purple is my favorite color :)

All things considered, it was a really great Christmas. I was able to come through for Tyler the way I wanted to. He has told me several times this weekend how great of a Christmas it has been. We got to see our family and really enjoy our time with them. And now, we have a whole other week off before school starts back up. I know Tyler is excited to go back to school and show all his friends his loot and talk about the rest of what he got, and of course, find out what they all got, but he also said he's looking forward to spending this week with me. We have been so busy the last week cooking and baking that we haven't really had time to just relax, so this week will be it.

I will say, though, that the kitchen is FINALLY almost clean. I feel like we have been doing nothing but dishes and cleaning the stove and counters for days on end. Probably because we have been! But it's been worth it, and I know this is a Christmas we will both always remember well. I just hope the upcoming months will be as good for us as the last few have been. I think, as long as we keep doing the right things for the right reasons, and leave the negativity and craziness behind us, they will be. I just keep telling Tyler that we cannot let others and their determination and unhappiness cause us misery. Then, we become as bad as they are, and we have always been better than that. I'm glad he finally seems to see it, too!

We wish you a Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! We haven't been home long, it's been a long day and night! But coming in, taking the dogs out, getting coats off, and unpacking from the trip with the family takes longer than you anticipate. I am SO TIRED, I really just want to go to bed, but I had made my mind up that I would try to post at least once, either last night or tonight, so I'm going to write this up and then head to bed!

It really has been an amazing Christmas. I will admit, now, that I was a little worried about being able to give Tyler the Christmas I believe he deserves. If you've been reading my blog, you know he has had a very rough few weeks and months. He has been subjected to a lot of changes in his life, and unfortunately, has suffered because of some very selfish and thoughtless men. I do the best I can to counteract their actions, but I am only one person. And I cannot "right" the wrongs of others.

But Tyler definitely made out like a bandit, and I am so glad. He literally got everything he wanted and asked for, and then some. I will have to upload and post pics tomorrow. As a mom, it's a great feeling to be able to get all the things that are important to him. And just to be able to tell him, as well as show him, how much I appreciate him and how grateful I am to have him in my life. That's been one of the hardest things about all of this- knowing he feels lost or unappreciated by these hateful, horrible men who hurt him and turned their backs on him. I try to tell him every day that not only do I love him, but I appreciate him and am so happy to have him in my life. It might not mean as much coming from me, since I'm his mom, but I can't stomach thinking that he walks around every day, knowing there are at least two men who, at one time, told him they loved him and would always be there for him, and then turned their backs on him for selfish reasons and greed.

But he has told me several times in the last couple of days how happy he is to be here with me, and how glad he is that things turned out the way they have. Which surprises me in one sense, and then not really in the other.

I know he valued having the ex in his life, and of course he loves his dad, but when someone isn't contributing anything positive to your life anymore, or when someone treats you with such blatant disregard of your feelings or how their choices and actions impact you, it's hard not to be angry and bitter toward them. And even though he has spent some time talking about the ex lately, I know he is still very angry about everything that happened and how it all went down. Thankfully, he hasn't spoken much about him this past week, so I think we got over that little bump in the road.

He did not see or speak to his father for Christmas this year, nor did his father reach out to him. It really breaks my heart because I know that, even though this is Tyler's choice, it's hurtful. And if Brian was doing things the right way and was the least bit concerned about Tyler and his feelings, things wouldn't be off in the ditch quite so badly. But I can't do anything about Brian and how he acts, thinks, or treats Tyler. I can only be here to support and love Tyler.

We got to see my dad and brother for Christmas, and spend time with the family tonight. It's so great to see everyone and, even better, it's so funny to hear everyone tell me (NOW) how much they didn't like the ex. I can't count how many people told me that they didn't really like him so much, that they thought he wasn't right for me, or that he made them "feel funny", but no one could really put their finger on why. That was a general consensus, that there was something "off" about him, but no one could place what or why. I wish I could have sat there and told them about all the skeevy, slimy, disgusting things he did behind my back and how badly he treated me and Tyler the last few months we lived together, but I just laughed and said "if you only knew...". But honestly, it was great to have a laugh at his expense. That's something we definitely don't do enough lol.

But it makes me think about how great the last six months have been for Tyler and me. And how far we have come from where we have been the last few years. I thought, for some reason, I might really be bummed out this year because I am single for the first time in over a decade on the holidays, but I truly am enjoying myself and, like I said, this whole situation just makes me think about things and how happy we are now and how far we are from that entire situation. Spending this Christmas with Tyler and talking with my dad and other family about the ex just makes me realize how stupid I was for staying in a situation for so many years that I really didn't want to be in anymore, and with someone who clearly didn't care about anyone but himself.

I even told him to his face on more than one occasion how horrible it feels to be living with and sharing a bed with someone that you know thinks about themselves and their own happiness without ever thinking of yours, and how could he wonder why we weren't "working out" or why weren't we "happy" anymore? Truly successful relationships are those in which both partners TRY. They try for one another. They worry at least as much about the happiness and contentment of their partner as their own. Otherwise, it won't ever work. If either partner is only thinking of themselves and their own wants, needs, and desires, then the relationship is doomed for failure. And, as someone who spent much too much of her time trying for someone else, it's like drowning, except over a long period of time. It really becomes a form of torture. I should have left long before I did, but everything happens for a reason. And nothing will happen before it is meant to.

So, this Christmas, I might not have had an abundance of gifts under the tree addressed to me, but I have the greatest gift I've had in a very long time: freedom. I am free to live, free to love, free to reflect on that which I no longer have to endure. I am free to appreciate the things I do have in my life, and free to hope and wish for even better for my future.

I have so much to be thankful for, and so much to appreciate. I really have no time for anything else. I am looking forward to 2011. I am hopeful that the ex will FINALLY go away and leave me alone, for good. And maybe I will find someone to spend time with that is on the same page as I am, for once? LOL. I am hopeful for Tyler's relationship with his father to get better, and if not, that the court process will be relatively quick and painless. I am hopeful that all of my friends, family, and loved ones have a good and positive year, and that things can only continue to get better from here!

Onward and upward, as they say!

Bake much?!

Hello world. I am going to be writing this in between batches of cookies in the oven. I made two complete batches of cookies last night (grand total, about 90 cookies). We have completed a third batch today (which only garnered about 14- it was ginger cookies with icing), a fourth batch is in the oven now (peanut butter, will make two dozen), and a fifth is chilling, waiting for oven time. Those are snickerdoodles, my dad's favorite. Tomorrow, we have to do a streussel cake for my dad and apple cinnamon muffins for my grandma. And, if I have any strength left at all, I would like to do another batch of ginger cookies, since the first one only gave us 14, and I've already given away four and we've eaten three lol. But we got to use our super cool cookie cutters we got at Bed, Bath and Beyond when we were looking for biscuit cutters.

Today was a day of highs and lows. Tyler had a doctor's appointment this afternoon. It was a major high only because I have been fighting his dad ever since I lost my insurance to either give me HIS insurance information, or at least the pediatrician's name and contact info so I can have Tyler seen if/when I need to. He has steadfastly refused, even though there is a court order that he do so. And to make matters worse, he doesn't take care of the things that need to be taken care of. Things like having inhalers for his asthma, allergy medicine for his allergies, steroid cream for his eczema/contact dermatitis. I have to threaten him with CPS intervention before he calls the doctor, and it's ridiculous. So I finally got Tyler some coverage myself and we were able to get in to the new doctor today.

The great news is the doctor and his staff are super nice, they are very efficient. They did an eye test, hearing test, urine screening, blood pressure, and they're having him do blood work next week. Very thorough. And since Tyler failed his hearing test in his right ear (something he's been doing for the last couple of years, that once again, his father has NOT followed up on), they gave me the number of two audiology centers to get followed up with. And he gave us the prescriptions we needed, without any hassle, and asked us to come back in six weeks to follow up, which was great. Tyler really likes him, so that's a major plus, too. A kid his age, going through what he's going through, needs to have a doctor he feels comfortable with and trusts. He really likes this doctor.

How much? He even said he wants to go back, despite the fact that the doc said "hey, as long as you're here, why don't we get your next set of immunizations taken care of?" That, folks, meant FOUR shots. When he told Tyler that, Tyler just shrugged and said "ok". And then the doctor said "want to do a fifth shot? We can give you the flu shot, too" and Tyler laughed and said "sure". I was like :O. Even more so since Tyler has told me a hundred times the story of his step brother having to get this set of shots right before school started, and he FREAKED out. The step brother screamed, kicked, bucked, was swinging at people, trying to bite them, cursing, etc. etc. to try to avoid getting the shots. Instead of getting the four he needed, he ended up only getting two, and now has to go back for the other two next semester. So I knew Tyler would be anxious about it. And he was. He was on pins and needles waiting for them to come in and give them to him. It was kind of cute, though. He was chattering on about nothing because he was nervous. I finally told him that he could have a McFlurry tonight since he was being so brave.

And he was brave. In fact, I reassured him that it wouldn't hurt as bad as he was expecting, and it didn't. He laughed when she finally started because he said it hardly hurt at all, and he couldn't believe his step brother made such a big deal about it. We talked about it the whole way home. He was so proud of himself, and he should have been. I was proud of him, too!

He was so proud, that he sent his dad a text message, telling him what he had done, and asking if he had received the message from Sunday when he wished him a happy birthday. His dad called him about an hour later, and started grilling him. Asking him what doctor he saw and why, and giving him grief for not calling him on his birthday or seeing him (even though his dad didn't even come to try to pick him up). Then, his dad started barking at him, telling him that he was coming over here tomorrow to pick him up, at which point Tyler told me he wanted to hang up on him. I told him not to do that, so instead, he just sat there, holding the phone, not saying anything. I could hear his dad hollering at him, telling him that "despite what other people have told you, you don't have a choice in this" and "you're not going to live with her full time, I won't let that happen". Tyler was almost in tears. I kept asking him if he was ok, and he just kept shaking his head "no" at me. I'm not sure what his dad said to him next, but he decided to hang up on Tyler.

I just don't get it. I don't get what is going through his mind that makes him think this is the way to get something accomplished. I sent him a text message after the fact, because Tyler was very upset. And I said to him "I don't know why you did that. You had the opportunity to talk to him on the phone and be loving and kind, and instead you chose to bark at and harass him." And of course, Tyler has told me that he definitely doesn't want to see his dad tomorrow, or any other day. I don't know what to say or do anymore. It took everything in me to not cry, myself. It kills me to think his dad is so selfish and stupid that he would act and treat Tyler like this. And of course, to have to see Tyler on the verge of tears, and that pain turn into anger right in front of me. All I really want is for them to have the best relationship they can have. I know his dad thinks I have some other hidden agenda, but that really is all I care about. I chose to have a child with this man, I can't take that back or pretend it didn't happen. I can't expect that he's just going to go away, and that wouldn't be best for Tyler.

But I also can't accept a miserable and piss poor relationship between them, and that's how it's been for years now. Their relationship has continued to degrade for several years, and I can only sit by and watch it, biting my tongue, for so long. And frankly, I've had enough. And Tyler has, too.

Tyler used to talk about how things used to be with his dad. He still remembers when his dad was happier and enjoyed spending time with Tyler, and doing things together. He said his dad "used to be fun", and he mostly was. Even when we were married, he was still a relatively happy person. Especially with Tyler. But that's changed in the last few years. Of course, I have my theories, but at the end of the day, he is just miserable in his life and with his choices. He is overwhelmed and over burdened with his responsibilities and he takes a lot of that frustration out on the kids. Which is where Tyler has the biggest problem. Tyler complains a lot about the fact that, even when his dad takes him and the other kids to go do things in the name of "quality time", no one is enjoying themselves. Not the kids, and definitely not his dad (and God forbid his step mother comes, because then everyone is GOING to be miserable. She'll make sure of it). And an even bigger problem lately is that when he's at his father's house for visitation or custody, his dad typically is at work. And Tyler has a horrible relationship with his step mother and step brother. I can't count the number of times he has complained about not getting to see his dad while he's there because his dad is working.

And then after his step mother struck him this past June, his dad promised us both that Tyler wouldn't be left alone with her anymore, and only kept that promise for about a week.

At the end of the day, none of this is about his dad seeing and/or missing Tyler. It's about punishing me, or keeping his ass out of the heat. Because if Tyler lives here full time, I will ask for (and receive) child support, and his dad simply cannot afford to pay MORE child support. To my knowledge, he is still under a child support order for his first three children. He would have to work an actual full time job in order to just keep up lol. And if he cared, at all, about seeing Tyler, he would take the time to get to the bottom of what's causing problems with his relationship with his son, instead of berating and barking at him every time he gets a chance to talk to him. All he ever tells Tyler is that he doesn't have a choice, when clearly he DOES. Tyler has already told me that if/when his dad comes tomorrow, he hopes he brings and officer so he can tell them, again, that he doesn't want to go, like he did last time.

I hate that this is happening. I hate even more that it's Christmas week. I think I blogged about this a couple of days ago, but I had FINALLY gotten Tyler to agree to see his dad on Christmas, for a few hours on Christmas day. And then his dad went and told his step brother to tell Tyler that if he didn't come over to visit before Christmas, don't bother coming ON Christmas, because he won't get any gifts from them.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He actually said that, too. That's something he would say. I should be surprised, but I'm not. And Tyler is furious. He said he didn't care, he wasn't going either way. And so the time and work I had put into getting him to agree to go over there for a few hours on Christmas was for nothing, because the kid is more determined than ever to not be there.

And, it seems like every time so time goes by and maybe Tyler is in a place where he might consider talking to and/or spending time with his dad, something happens like today. Or the Christmas thing. It's like his dad can't help it. He HAS to sabotage it. And I've told him a hundred times not to act like that, but he honestly thinks he's right. Even tonight, after I had text messaged him, he could have called back and apologized, or tried to smooth things over. But nope. He's way too hardheaded to do something like that. So here we sit.

Last batch of cookies is in the oven, and Tyler and I are chatting about making more on Christmas Eve while it's snowing outside. Almost all of these are to give away. He's really looking forward to Christmas, which I'm glad about. But it really breaks my heart that it's turned out this way. I know this is going to be a hard Christmas to look back on, in terms of what we've lost (well, WHO). But, I also think that the things that have happened in the last six months, and then in the last six weeks, have brought Tyler and I closer together than we were before, and I didn't really think that was possible. He even thanked me today for taking him to the doctor, where he got five shots LOL. And he's been thanking me all day and night for letting him help me make cookies. I don't think he understands how much it means to ME. I love spending time with him, and making cookies and hanging out like we have been the last few weeks has been awesome.

I know I'm partial, but I really think he is a great person. He is funny, sweet, kind, and considerate. He's always in a good mood, doesn't take much seriously, and nothing bothers him for long. I feel like his dad is missing out on so much by treating him the way he is, and has for years now. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't appreciate him that much more because of it. Tyler could just as easily tell me he'd rather live with his dad for awhile, now that he's growing up and going through all these changes. I've been anticipating that since he was little, and I tried to tell his dad that, too. But he sees him as a pawn. A game to play that someone "wins" and someone "loses". But he's not a pawn and it's not a game. In the end, Tyler loses, but if his dad keeps this up, he's going to lose the most. Because he's pushing away an amazing person, not just his middle son. But it's his loss, and his choice.

T minus how many days?!

Christmas is in full swing around here! I officially began baking tonight, and I'm about a week behind. As a result, I am having to double up on cookies and goods per day. Today, I did 5 dozen chocolate chip and M&M cookies and 2 dozen chocolate crackle top cookies (a new one for me this year!). Tomorrow will be iced ginger cookies (who needs traditional gingerbread?), Wednesday I'm doing snickerdoodles and a struesel cake for my dad AND apple muffins for my grandma. I thought about doing sugar cookies, but the grocery store was out of every reasonable color of icing OR sprinkles, so I think I might do peanut butter instead. I have some red sprinkles (I could have sworn I had green, too. Maybe some more digging?), and I have a little semisweet chocolate left, too. So maybe some plain peanut butter, some with sprinkles, and some half dipped in chocolate? Sounds like a plan :)

In addition to my Betty Crocker accomplishments today, I had a major WIN moment, too. Like I said last night, Tyler is all about his guitar. Well, today, he brought out his acoustic to play while he was sitting on the couch, and he was trying to do the opening bars of Nothing Else Matters by Metallica. I was sitting here, listening, and it occurred to me that it sounded "off". A little known talent of mine: I have pitch perfect hearing. I don't know why, but I do. Tyler seems to, also. But for whatever reason, it wasn't occurring to him right away that his guitar needed to be tuned. He kept trying, though, and he finally said "I wish Matt was here". To which my reply was "Why?" (not what I said in my head, though lol). He said "I think my guitar is out of tune". I said "I think you're right, but I also think we could tune it without him". And Captain Skeptical said "How?" So I told him to give it to me. He reluctantly handed it over, and with only a couple of minutes and a few adjustments, I did it! I DID IT. I tuned Tyler's guitar, by ear, myself. ME. I was like WOW. And Tyler was super impressed. I guess sitting there listening to Matt do it a thousand times embedded something in my brain because I knew how to do it lol. It was a major Mom Win moment, and an even bigger FUCK THE EX moment haha.

And, just like that, Tyler was playing the opening bars to Nothing Else Matters, IN KEY. I was so happy. For both of us lol.

Tyler finally has a doctor's appointment tomorrow, so hopefully we can get these allergies and asthma under control. Of course he was having big time trouble breathing tonight. He usually does when we don't have an inhaler. It's the law of averages. I'm going to try to get it resolved tomorrow so we don't have these kinds of problems anymore. Thankfully, his dad can't hold us hostage anymore by refusing to give me insurance info, doctor info, or taking care of it himself. It's very liberating!

I'm freaking exhausted. Luckily, we get to sleep in again tomorrow! Gotta say, I'm not hating the fact that I don't have to get up and take Tyler to school. And, thankfully, he is already talking about when he will ride the bus and go to school up here, so he knows it's borrowed time at his current school. I just explained that I can't drive him to school for the rest of his life, and frankly, if I have custody, it's not legal for him to attend school there while he lives here. In fact, I'm sort of surprised that his school hasn't said something to me, because they know he's not with his dad right now, and that I don't live in the district. The only thing we have on our side is the current court order, which states Tyler must attend school in the district his dad lives in. And I'm not moving to South County, sorry. So Tyler will likely finish the school year there and then change this summer and start his new school in the fall. The good news is, he has tons of friends here already from playing outside and at the park all the time, so it won't be a completely new start. And school is school. One is pretty much the same as the other.

I might try to blog more tomorrow. I do have a couple of topics I want to talk about. Some things I have been tossing around in my head the last few days. So, until then, here's to a great night's sleep!

OH, and ps: Heavy Metal Parrot thanks you for your time!

Back and forth we go

It's late, so I don't think this will be a long post. We just got done watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. I am trying to watch a Christmas themed movie every night with Tyler from the start of his break through Christmas. But since he was determined to watch The Simpsons and Family Guy tonight, we got a late start.

But I did want to blog tonight because something has been happening lately that has been bothering me. I shouldn't say it that way, but I don't know any other way to say it.

Tyler has been talking about the ex, a LOT lately. Almost constantly. At first, I thought it was random and didn't put any stock into it. But now, it's almost bordering on obsession. I was thinking about it the other night, trying to figure out where it's coming from, and I think it's because it's now been almost a month since Tyler has been to his dad's to visit or stay. I think, the more time that passes and the further Tyler drifts from his dad, and the more separation there is between them, the more he is thinking about and missing my ex.

All of a sudden, he is overly interested in his guitars again. Where for months now, even before the breakup, he hadn't touched either of them, he now plays them constantly. When I had to go get him reeds for his clarinet last week, he asked me to get guitar picks, too. He had asked me about a week before that if I had found any of the ex's picks when I was unpacking boxes. I had, but I threw them out. When I told him that, you would have thought I told him I killed a puppy. He looked heartbroken. I tried explaining that with the ex gone, and Tyler having little to no interest in his own guitars, I didn't see any reason to keep a bunch of plastic picks. That, and those things have been the bane of my existence for the last few years. I swear to God, those things were EVERYWHERE. All over the house. In every room. And forget about vacuuming. I would get SO PISSED because I had a $450 Dyson vacuum, and I was constantly sucking up plastic guitar picks. I told Matt if one of his picks broke my Dyson, I was going to break his neck! So, I was all too glad to throw them out. Since it was so upsetting to Tyler, I did get him a few at the music store last week. I had to admit, I didn't really know what I was doing, though. The guy helped me and I got a few different thicknesses, but it's brought on a whole other issue. The kid now sits in his room, playing his guitar, alone. It's so sad. Before, he would mess around and talk to Matt about it. Now, he doesn't have that. It's awful.

And now, he wants to learn to play the drums. He told me that, for Christmas, he would like a pair of drumsticks and a practice pad. He never really had any interest in it before, even when Matt was around. He would mess around on Matt's set every now and then, but he never really seemed super interested. I know that part of the interest comes from his desire to join the school's jazz band next year, but I'm not sure if he realizes he's probably going to need more than 6 or 7 months' practice to be able to be the drummer. But I don't know how their program works, so I might be completely full of shit. They might be thrilled to have him, if he's interested and willing to put in the work. But that makes me doubly sad, because Matt would have loved teaching him how to play. At least, I think he would have. Well, the Matt I fell in love with and lived with for the first 4 years would have.

In addition to taking an almost obsessive interest in everything Matt used to enjoy, he's also been asking me about him. Things like, do I know where he lives now? Where he works? What he's doing? I told him I don't know, and I don't want to know, but I don't think he believes me. I think, for some reason, he thinks I am holding out on him. Protecting him, somehow. And maybe, even if I really DID know those things, I WOULD keep it from him. Because it seems like he's to the point where he is trying to get past how badly Matt treated him (and us) at the end, and is remembering the Matt we loved and had fun with. Which, I guess is a good thing. I had always hoped that he would get to that point, but I didn't expect it to be now. And truthfully, I think the only reason it has come now is because of the way things have gone with his dad. He's trying desperately to have some kind of connection with someone he knows loves him.

Today is Tyler's dad's birthday. Tyler and I talked, a lot, about how he would feel or react if his dad came today to try to pick him up for a visit. His father has custody of him from 9a-9p on his birthday (just like I do on mine). I could tell he was torn about it. It was obvious to me that he wanted him to try, because at least them it would mean he cared. Especially after what his dad said last week about Christmas (did I mention that? I'll go back and re-read and if not, I'll post about it tomorrow). But he wasn't sure he wanted to leave with him, even if he did try to come. I told him it was up to him, but it turned out not to matter.

His dad didn't come, didn't call, didn't anything. So I tried to get Tyler to call his dad and wish him a happy birthday, and he fought it. He said no a hundred times, and when I asked him why he didn't want to call, he just kept saying things like "he doesn't want to talk to me" and "he wouldn't care anyhow". Finally, at dinner time, I convinced him to send him a text message from my phone. He did, and his dad didn't respond. Tyler looked at me a couple hours ago and said "did my dad ever text back?" and I said "no". He said "I told you he wouldn't care". What do I say to that? It's not my job to try to convince him how much his father loves him and/or cares about him. But it kills me to see the kid's heart breaking. Effectively, he's lost two fathers in the past six months. This is bullshit.

So, right now he's focused on the ex. Because, even though the ex abandoned us both and never even gave Tyler the respect to say goodbye to him, face to face, or consider his feelings and the fallout from how he left, Tyler still loves him. It's not that I want him to hate him, but I would be lying if I said it doesn't get under my skin to see how much he still loves him.

I know it shouldn't. I know they had a very special relationship, and they spent a LOT of time together through the years. But I am not at a place yet where I can look past the things that happened in the last six months to year of our relationship and say "aww, look. He still loves Matt".

The way I see it, Matt doesn't deserve it. He knew what he was doing when he made the choices he made. He knew how close Tyler was to him, and that no matter what I had said or done, or what was happening between Matt and me, Tyler was completely innocent. We had talked about ALL of this stuff a couple years ago, when we first talked about splitting up. Back then, Matt BEGGED me not to keep Tyler from him if we ever did split up. He said he couldn't walk around every day not having that kid in his life, at least in some part. At first, I was like HELL NO. But, I admitted that it wouldn't be fair to Tyler to rip Matt out of his life, either.

At the end of the day, though, none of that matters. Because Matt made the choices he made and acted in a completely selfish and heartless manner. He was determined to do what he wanted, and to Hell with the rest of us. I will never understand how someone who, at one time, was my best friend in the world, and then became the man I shared every day of my and my son's life with could ever do the things he did and treat us the way he did. I will never understand how someone could just turn "off" their love and concern for people who loved him so much. I will never understand how he could know the child was in agony and still turn his back on him.

I text messaged AND called Matt after we split up. I told him how much Tyler was hurting and how badly he wanted to see Matt. Matt said no. He made a million excuses. And when he finally agreed to let Tyler email him, he took DAYS to get back to him, and when Tyler replied again, he never emailed back. No one should act like that. Ever. And no child should ever hurt as much as Tyler hurt because of him.

I do believe in karma. In the same way that Brian spent YEARS acting selfish and heartless and now is reaping what he sowed, I also believe the same will come to Matt. Not that I want it to, but it will. Some day, he will love someone as much as Tyler loved him, and he will hurt as much as he hurt Tyler. And he will sit there, thinking about why this person in his life is treating him so poorly and so thoughtlessly and having no concern for his feelings, and Tyler will flash into his mind. I'm sure of it. Because as twisted and demented as he became, there was a part of him that was a great man, at one time. And that man was the one who helped Tyler through the divorce of his parents and helped me raise him into the great kid he is today. But anyone who can turn on a child, no matter what the circumstances, isn't someone I ever want around my child again.

I only have a few more years before I don't have any control over what Tyler does or who he sees, but even now, as he is more and more independent, and as active as middle school students are on the internet, I imagine it's only a matter of time before he seeks Matt out. That scares the Hell out of me. My worst fear is Tyler having some sort of covert relationship with Matt behind my back. Because I don't think Tyler sees how much Matt has changed, and because he's still a child, I don't think he realizes how much Matt had to do with what happened, and the choices he made that brought us all to the place we are now.

Maybe I should tell Tyler all the dirty little details. Maybe I should tell him exactly who Matt really is. Maybe I should tell him about the lying, the cheating, the disgusting habits and secrets he tried to hide. But you know what? I won't. It's not my job to tell Tyler what a horrible human being Matt is. Any more than it's my job to convince him how much his father loves him. They're both grown men. Grown men who have to live up to the consequences of their own actions. They cannot keep running away from the messes they've made. And, since I'm no longer in a relationship with either one of them (THANK GOD, BUDDAH, ALLAH, OR MOTHER EARTH), I don't have to be the one to clean up said messes or make excuses for them anymore.

I'm hoping this newfound obsession with all things Matt will be short lived, and we can move on. I'm sure that no matter what happens, there will be a time when he will come to me later in life and ask me what really happened. In large part because I happen to know that, based on the lies Matt told Tyler's dad, his dad sat him down and told him a LOT of things that a: never happened and b: even if they had, were none of his business (thanks, Matt, for making yet ANOTHER well-thought out and selfless decision when you made contact with my ex husband). All I told Tyler about the things his dad told him was, none of it was true, and it didn't matter what happened, because it was over and Matt and I would never be together again.

I just hope that, if he ever does reach out and finds Matt online somehow, that Matt will have developed enough sense to do the right thing, for once. To think about Tyler, instead of himself. But I don't know what the right thing IS. I don't know if the right thing would be to ignore it. Would Tyler think that meant Matt never cared about him? Would the right thing be to have some kind of a relationship again? I know I wouldn't want that, but it's not really about what I would want. Maybe the BEST thing would be to take the opportunity to talk to Tyler, tell him how much he loved him and how important he was to his life, and how sorry he is about how he treated him, his mother, and how he acted for the last year we lived together. Even if he didn't mean a word of it. Maybe that's all Tyler would need to hear? I don't know. If I were that smart, I probably never would have trusted someone so shady and manipulative, and I DEFINITELY wouldn't have let him anywhere near my child. Because no matter what happens in the future, we cannot erase the past. And the past will forever shape who my child is and who he will become. I just hope the damage that Matt did to him won't destroy him. I hope that when I fall in love and get married again, that Tyler won't shun that man for fear of being hurt the way Matt hurt him. I think that's the thing I'm the most concerned about.

What is wrong with people?

Yeah. That's pretty much the theme for the post today: what is WRONG with people?

I know I shouldn't be surprised, but I always am when people treat others with absolute disregard and disrespect.

Case in point: my neighbor. He and his wife smoke. They don't, however, smoke inside their apartment. I see them every day smoking either out their back door, on their stoop, or out front while they're taking their dog out. In fact, we have a disgusting glass jar that sits on the front stoop, right by the door, where they deposit their butts before they go inside. And despite the fact that I've moved it half a dozen times to make it a little more inconspicuous, they keep putting it back, front and center. So I just gave up.

But their smoking has become my problem now. Why? Well the husband, who has a nice little workshop area set up downstairs, has taken to smoking down there while he's working inside. He normally works outside, but obviously the weather isn't permitting outdoor work now. He tinkers around with things, either fixing them and reselling them, or breaking them down for scrap. (Which is a rant for another day). But now that he's working inside all the time, he's smoking downstairs. The problem is, the smoke is coming directly up into my apartment. Both because the basement (and his little work area) is directly below my apartment, and because the furnace is adjacent to his work area, so the air it's sucking up is his smoke filled air. Also, his work area is literally RIGHT below Tyler's room, so his room has become ground zero for second hand cancer.

I wanted to confront him about it, but I thought maybe I would get too upset, so I just wrote him a very nice note, asking him to please not smoke down there any longer, and explained that Tyler has asthma, and the smoke is affecting him, because it is. I wouldn't allow anyone to smoke in my apartment, so how can I allow someone to smoke in a common area when it's coming into my apartment? I thought, since he has a daughter Tyler's age and clearly, he and his wife don't want smoke in their apartment, he wouldn't keep smoking when I've told him it's coming into my apartment. I'm sure he just didn't realize it until now.

I was wrong. All day today, smoke. All day and evening. I was so mad, I couldn't even think about going down there and confronting him. I have to live with these people, in close proximity. We are one of FOUR units in this building, so we see each other literally every day. So I have written another, still as pleasant as possible, note telling him that I am very upset and that I know, as a father, he would want to intervene if someone were doing something that were harming his daughter, so I'm sure he can understand why I have to speak up, yet again. I really hope he reconsiders this time, because if I do have to confront him again, it WILL be in person, and it WON'T be so pleasant.

The other thing I have realized, as I always do at this time of year, is how little people remember what Christmas is supposed to be about.

I know I've mentioned before that Matt and I decided to adopt a family for Christmas last year. We were very proud of that choice, and I can only speak for myself, but doing that made me feel better than just about anything I've ever done before. Knowing I was helping people who weren't bad people, but were just having a hard time, and that I wasn't asking for or expecting anything in return, that was a great feeling. Knowing I had been in their shoes before and knowing how much it would have meant to me for complete strangers to do what we did felt incredible. And knowing that two families (ours and theirs) were having a better Christmas because of a little effort and money was the best feeling of all.

As a parent, the worst feeling in the world is thinking that you're letting your kids down somehow. Thinking you can't come through for them or treat them in the way you think they need to be treated. Helping someone else not have to have that feeling, especially on Christmas, was a great feeling.

But it seems like the vast majority of people in this world lately are Scrooges. It's a "help yourself first and vilify anyone who isn't in the same position as you" mentality out there. Not only are people NOT willing to help someone less fortunate, but they've taken to actually actively interfering with people getting help. I've seen it. People aren't donating food to pantries, they're not helping by buying a couple extra gifts to give to Toys for Tots, they're saying "no" when the cashier asks if they want their bill rounded up a couple cents at the grocery store, or if they'd like to donate a dollar toy to military families. They do it when they walk past the Salvation Army kettles, pretending like they don't see them. And they do it on places like Craigslist, where they're flagging posts begging for help off the site, and in some cases, they're posting, berating the people asking for help without even knowing their circumstances. I just cannot imagine how someone can be sitting in their home, reading Craigslist, seeing a parent asking for help with Christmas, and thinking to themselves "you know what? Fuck these people! I'm going to flag this post and make my own post mocking and degrading them! They don't deserve help! They need to be taught a lesson!" What is wrong with people?!

I don't know. I just think that some people really need more to do with their lives, and real problems. Because to think that they are in a position to judge who needs help and who doesn't is insanity. None of us are in a position to judge. And if someone comes along and reads a Craigslist post from someone asking for help with Christmas gifts, let them be the ones to decide who gets their help. That's how I found the family we adopted last year. They had made a post on Craigslist. I contacted them off that post, and we made the choice that they absolutely deserved the help. Were they the worst off people on Craigslist? Probably not. Were they 100% honest about their circumstances? We don't know. We acted solely on trust and Christmas spirit. Even if they weren't being honest and didn't need the help as much as they claimed to, it didn't really matter to us. It was about sharing the wealth, and spreading Christmas spirit. Their son benefited, and maybe they understood that there are people in this world that just want to do something nice for someone, every now and then. That's all we wanted to accomplish. Why anyone would actively try to prevent an act like that, I'll never understand.

But, the good news is: there are people around who are working TWICE as hard to keep doing nice things for people, and keep spreading the Christmas spirit. They are determined to overcome the Scrooges and Grinches of the world, and the handful of people they are able to reach are so grateful for their help. And many of them will, someday, somehow, spread their own Christmas spirit. That's what makes it so great.

So, as Christmas approaches, I try to reach out to the people who are still trying, and say "thanks". Even though I don't have very much money, I still put a dollar in the kettle when I walk past. I have a dollar. A lot of people don't right now. I say "of course" when the cashier at the grocery store asks if I'd like to round up my total a few cents. And I say "absolutely" when the cashier at the Dollar Tree asks if I'd like to buy a toy to help a needy child. Because no child should go without because of the Scrooges and Grinches in the world, or because their parents are trying, but not making ends meet. Or even because their parents aren't trying. All children should be warm, well fed, loved, and cared for. But they're not. As a community, and as humanity, we should do little things every day to keep trying, because that's what it means to BE a community. To BE human. To do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Not because you're asking for or expecting anything in return. Not because the person you're helping is the worst off or completely honest about their circumstances. Because you can, and because that's what Christmas spirit is.

Because unwavering care and concern for our fellow man is the greatest gift we can give to one another, at this time of year, and any other. You never know when the person you help really IS the worst off, or the most honest. Sometimes, you just have to take a chance, and give someone else one.

ps: here's a picture to make you feel warm and fuzzy:

You gotta have faith!

I'm going to try to make this short and sweet. Not that I don't have a lot to say on this topic. In fact, I probably have too much to say. But I am tired, and I still have to dry my hair :(

This is a post I have been wanting to do for a couple of days. I have been going back and forth about whether to get super in depth about it, or try to keep it general and vague. I think I'll try to split the difference.

It's interesting, because the things that have been happening in my life very recently have brought up a lot of thoughts about faith. Talking with my childhood friends over the weekend brought up the topic, too. And then tonight, someone was asking me about my religious views.

Let me just say: I am not a religious person. Now, I want to be very clear: I do not intend to or want to take away from anyone else's religion or faith. It's just my own personal experience and values. I AM, however, a very spiritual person. While I lean toward agnostic in terms of the existence of God, I do firmly believe in things like angels, spirits, ghosts, the after life, etc. I just do not believe there has to be a God in order for those things to exist. Again, personal beliefs. I am not trying to influence anyone who might be reading this.

I think about faith a lot when things are difficult in my life. I know when times are very tough, a lot of people pray, talk to God, etc. I don't. I do talk to a very close friend of mine who died, though. He was one of the closest people I have ever had in my life, and when I am going through tough times, I talk to him. Now, I don't know if he plays any part in the things that happen to me to help me get out of my difficult places in life, but I choose to believe he does. Maybe I'm just speaking/thinking out loud and thereby resolving the issues myself. But truthfully, he was one of the most generous and giving people I ever knew, and I know that if he is capable of helping me, he does. And I suppose that talking to him about my problems helps me in the same way that it might help someone who prays or talks to God. Please don't misunderstand, I am not comparing my deceased friend to God, but only the act of communicating with someone you believe loves you and has your best interest at heart.

In a weird way, talking to him makes me feel like things will be ok. And they usually are. In most instances, things don't necessarily resolve themselves in the manner I think they might, but they do resolve themselves. And I do believe that he has something to do with that. I feel he is, in a way, my angel. He looks out for me, he's there for me, and he helps me when he knows I need it. And I am so grateful to have known him and to have him in my life, even now.

But in that same vein, I do also believe that everything happens for a reason. I feel he leads me in certain directions to my benefit. It's hard, sometimes, to remain open minded and try to wait out the results. I am a very impatient person when it comes to things happening that aren't clear, but I do try to let things happen the way they need to, on their own timeframe. That, for me, is having faith.

It's having faith in the world, having faith in destiny, having faith in my friend and the directions he leads me. I do think that we have the ability to alter the course of our lives, in the same way we might read a "you choose the adventure" book. We are presented with circumstances and options every day. Some are minor (McDonald's or Taco Bell for lunch?), and some are major (stay in a hurtful relationship, or bail out?). But I do think that the choices we make help lead us in the direction we need to go. If we make the wrong choice, we know it, sooner or later. There are tangible consequences to making the wrong choice. We might lose a job, get a bad stomachache from lunch, lose time and dignity by staying with the wrong partner, etc. When that happens, we are faced with another choice. And so on, and so on.

My life motto is "The person you are isn't based on the mistakes you make; rather how you handle them". Because we all make mistakes. Every day. Large and small. I think healthy adults admit to their mistakes and are proactive in fixing them. Emotionally damaged adults (and the majority of children- ie: emotionally immature people) lie, hide, deceive, and avoid admitting to and resolving mistakes they make. I have had my fair share of those people in my life. I think you have to have faith in yourself and faith in what's right in order to be the adult and admit to and resolve your mistakes. Emotionally immature people have no self confidence and no confidence in their ability to correct or resolve matters they have brought upon themselves and others. Their fear drives them to lie and cover up, to deny and deceive, even when they can see the damage it's causing. They have no faith.

I have faith. I have an abundance of faith. I choose to believe that, despite the things that have happened to me in my life, both long since past, very recent, and everything in between, that things will get better. That there is better for me out there. The bad things that have happened did happen for a reason, and I look to them as learning experiences. I would not be who I am today without every event that has happened in my life. I wouldn't know what I know now without every mistake and experience I have had. I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. I know that things happened the way they were meant to. I have faith in this world and, more importantly, in myself.

I will continue to have faith, although it might be much different from yours, or the next person to read this post. But I don't think that makes one type better than the other. I think faith is a deeply personal endeavor, and incredibly individual. My faith suits me perfectly, as does yours for you.

I hope that we can live in a world that becomes more tolerant of differences in faith, be they religion or personal beliefs. If people weren't so afraid to embrace their faith, we might all be a little more at peace with ourselves and our lives.

I just wanted to touch on faith today, because I think things have started to look up for us again, and I attribute that, at least in part, to having faith. I don't ever give up, quit, or let difficulties bring me down or cause me to lose my faith. I hope that your faith brings you comfort, as well. In good times, and especially in bad.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

Well. Three inches of snow (give or take) and temps that TOP OUT in the teens- feels like winter to me! What a perfect day to stay inside and watch some football!

Tyler and I spent the whole day in jammie pants and slippers, eating snacks, had the heater running full blast, watching football! It really was the perfect day. We even both took a nap this afternoon! It's days like today that make me really happy with my life and my choices.

I know the last time I posted things weren't great. And they're still not perfect. But, like I suspected, things seem to have leveled off, at least for the time being.

Tyler is still with me. It's been almost three weeks now. His father tried to circumvent the legal system by using the school to his advantage. However, with some diligent work on my part, and common sense on the school's part, they decided they weren't going to tolerate that and instead, chose to both respect and listen to Tyler's feelings and wishes, and ask his father to work things out somewhere else. It isn't the school's responsibility to act as the intermediary, and it isn't the place to hold daily showdowns over where Tyler is going after school.

So, Tyler and I were braced for some resistance from his dad after school on Friday, but interestingly, nothing happened. He didn't try to intervene when Tyler came to my car, he didn't call or text me after we got in the car and left, and we haven't heard from him since. At all. Which is strange to me. I know I've said this before, but I think I would at least try to call Tyler every day. Even if he didn't answer, I would want to make an attempt. But his father hasn't. Not once. I don't get that. But that's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to differences with his father;s and my parenting styles and priorities.

But, all I care about is that Tyler says he is happy. I don't think that him avoiding his dad is a good long term solution. And right now, he's saying he doesn't even want to SEE his dad for Christmas. Hopefully, we can find some way to work around that. But frankly, if his dad doesn't contact me/Tyler about it, should I even push for it? I mean, I'm a firm believer in treat others as you would want to be treated, but if it isn't important enough for him to reach out, should I even bother? I don't know how I feel about the whole thing. I guess we'll just take it one day at a time and see how things go.

I am concerned, though, that even if we would come to some sort of an agreement about him taking Tyler for a few hours, or a day, that he would do something to avoid returning him. Either I would go to pick him up and they wouldn't be there, or he wouldn't bring him back here, etc. And I think that's the primary thing Tyler is concerned about, too. He doesn't want to risk his father lying to him, again. Telling him something that isn't true just to get what he wants, instead of considering what Tyler wants. I guess we'll see.

But I am getting really excited for Christmas. It looks like my dad will be coming up. I am trying to convince him to spend at least one night here with us, but he's so stubborn. And Tyler, on his own, made some changes to his Christmas wish list, so now it looks like I'll be able to get him the things he wants, and it will be more than just a couple of expensive things. I'm just happy to be able to afford a few nice things for him. A couple weeks ago, I wasn't so sure.

And I got to spend time with two of my oldest friends on Friday night. The girls I grew up next door to, and literally grew up with, invited me out with them. It was awesome talking and catching up and reminiscing. And it's funny how much we have in common, and how similar our personalities and interests are, even now. Even after all these years. Even after we haven't really been together much in a very long time.

While talking with them, we all shared a lot of things that have happened to us over the years. Of course there have been some good, and even some great, things. But we all have experienced a lot of loss, a lot of pain, a lot of hard times. And we all expressed how there were points that we wished we had someone real, someone we trusted, someone to talk to. It so sad when you're going through Hell and you feel like you aren't sure you have anyone to talk to. I just hope that now, now that we have all come so far and been through so much, that we really make a solid effort to not lose touch again. And ultimately, I hope that I impressed upon them both that even IF we don't stay close now, or in the future, that they know they can ALWAYS find me and I will ALWAYS be there for them, no matter what has happened or is happening. I think everyone needs someone like that in their lives.

And I don't know where I would be or WHO I would be if they had not been there for me so many times over so many years. Those girls know things about me that no one else every has, or ever will. I always wanted a sister when I was younger. It's just too bad that I didn't realize I already had two amazing sisters right next door! I love you girls!

If there is someone in your life that you appreciate, it's never too late to tell them. And no one has ever complained about being told how loved and appreciated they are! And if it's been awhile, the holidays are a great time to rekindle a relationship that has been lost, strained, or taken for granted. Happy holidays :)

Not feeling it tonight

I was *this* close to not even posting tonight, but I'm trying to stick to my promise to myself that I would blog every day.

I'm having a really bad day. Really bad couple of days, actually. I feel like everything is caving in on me right now, and I can't stand the feeling. I feel like I'm suffocating. Drowning. You get the picture.

I feel like I'm running out of options, and I am definitely running out of time. I so did not want to even blog about this, because I feel like it's super personal, and I hate how I'm feeling right now.

I actually deleted a bunch of posts from about a year ago for this very reason. When I went back and reread them before I started posting again a couple weeks ago, it made me sick to my stomach. Rereading the things I wrote, remembering how I was feeling, and how hard I've tried to get past all that. I'm not sure if deleting them was the best move, now. There might come a time in my life when I would have liked to be able to read them. And there's a possibility that I might have been able to learn something from them, if I let enough time pass between then and now. But my automatic, gut reaction was to delete them. Almost like, if I deleted them, then the events never happened, the feelings never existed. But it doesn't work like that, unfortunately.

So all I can do right now is hope that something miraculous will happen in the next 48 hours, and that when I look back on this post in a few months/years, I will feel really good about how far I've come since this.

The eternal optimist in me is pushing for a happy ending. But life isn't a fairy tale, and I'm not Cinderella, so I'd settle for just breaking even, for once.

Music, of course. But first!

So I had planned, over the weekend, to write about music in tonight's post. And I will, so let's bookmark that for just a second.

IT'S FREAKING FREEZING OUTSIDE! Holy crap, Batman! Wtf is going on? I mean, I get it's December in St. Louis, but OMG. I had to stop to get gas this morning on the way to take Tyler to school. Which isn't an entirely uncommon event, since I procrastinate putting gas in the car. I really hate it. I need a man in my life for that sole purpose, if nothing else. I think I can get by/live without anything else a man can offer (I'm even killing my own spiders now!), but pumping gas, no bueno. I'll be taking applications for a new gas pumper ASAP. Comment below, text me, or send me an email with your qualifications. There really isn't anything in it for you, but I promise I'll fuss and fawn all over you, telling you what a big, strong man you are and how much I appreciate not having to stand in the freezing cold and get all dirty and smelly. It's a real ego booster :)

Anyhow, I knew it was cold this morning when I took the dogs out at SIX THIRTY for their first walk. Actually, DOG, not dogS. Little has effectively refused to get out of bed before...about noon. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not. He's apparently the only one with any common sense in this house. The rest of us are up and out by quarter to seven. He stays in bed, asleep, until I physically go in there, pick him up, and force him to go out. And then he stands out there, shivering and shaking, to do his bidness while looking at me like I'm punishing him somehow. So I thought I would try to help him out as best I could. I dug out the puppeh sweater! He's so freaking cute!

Look mom! I'm warm now! And, despite someone else's insistence that he hates it, he's fine with it. No standing in one place, whining and shaking like last year. He was fine from moment one with it. Maybe because he knows no one is going to poohpooh all over him and take it off? LOL. I'm not torturing him by putting him in it, I want to HELP him. And it does :)

But while I was standing at the gas station at o'dark thirty this morning, in jeans, my heavy winter coat, freezing half to death, I was wishing Tyler could just ride the bus! But because I chose to live outside of his school district, I have to drive him. Which was perfectly fine, before it got to subzero temperatures! It was so cold, it literally HURT. It hurt to breathe, it hurt when it blew against my skin, and my back and joints were screaming at me! Unfortunately, the gas station isn't far enough from my house for the car to be sufficiently warm when I get back in, the heater just doesn't have time to really heat up. So that doesn't help either. I decided a couple of things this morning. One, I need to get gas OTHER than first thing in the morning. Not that it will be substantially warmer in the middle of the day, if it starts out at single digit temperatures, but a few degrees would help! The other thing is, I may have to start warming up my car before I leave in the mornings. Which also reminds me: I think my ex has my awesome, amazing snow/ice scraper! I got it when I had my Durango, and it's amazeballs. But I cannot find it now :( And I know I had it after the Durango. I'm almost certain the last time I saw it was in the trunk of the green car of death. Blargh.

So instead of spending even more time dwelling on how much I hate winter (I hate summer, too, but that's another blog post for another season), I'll try to stay warm and get back on track for today's post.

Music! Music is a lot of things to a lot of people. To me, it's been a huge part of my life since I was very small. My parents (mostly my father) always had music on when I was a child. It was the background track to our lives. And, as a result, most of my memories, both good and bad, are ingrained with music of the moment. And, I tend to identify very strongly with music and artists that I feel understand or relate to what I'm thinking, feeling, and going through. 99% of the time, it's pure coincidence. Whatever song comes on the radio, whatever artist is flavor of the moment, or whatever album I dig up on my playlist is at least in part, purely coincidence. But, then again, is anything really a complete coincidence?

Music has been playing an even larger than normal part of my life in the last several months. Maybe the last couple of years. I find songs that I relate to, songs that speak to me, and lose myself in them. In situations like I've been going through lately, they tend to be moody chick music, or songs about recovering from being wronged. I don't tend to gravitate toward angry or vengeful music. Maybe it's just not my personality, but hateful music makes me feel...dark. And dirty. Not sexy dirty, either. I did spend some time as a teenager lost in a lot of hateful music and my attitude and behavior was a reflection of those feelings. I hated being that person, I hated the way I felt and acted towards others. I don't want to be that person again. And I think my age and maturity leads me in a different direction, too. I think I am generally a very happy and upbeat person, but when I am hurting, it comes out in exactly that way, as pain. I do try very hard to hide it from other people. But when I'm alone, I definitely let it out. I will listen to songs that I relate to and just introvert, and sometimes, just cry my eyes out. I think most girls need a really good, hard cry sometimes.

It took me months to get there this time. I had effectively shut down for so long, I felt like I was living outside of myself. I knew what was happening, I had an active role in everything that was going on. But I picked and chose what I dealt with. I had to. I knew it wasn't me who was losing my mind, but if I thought about it too much, if I tried to become too involved, I might be the NEXT one to go, and I couldn't let that happen. So I shut down, put up the walls, retreated into myself and became very focused, very task oriented. But when I became overwhelmed, for whatever reason, I retreated into music. For the last few months, I had earphones in almost constantly. I would mindlessly surf the web, play computer games like solitaire, and did everything I could to avoid eye contact and interaction. I just couldn't deal. But the music saved my sanity, I think. I would listen to some songs over and over. Lyrics like "I should have let you go when I saw that it was over in your eyes. What do I have to do to get rid of you, I'll be better on my own. Now, I miss the sun, but as long as I'm with you
It's just another rainy day in London". The repetition brought me peace, like only repetition can.

After everything blew up and we went our separate ways, I found music was the only thing that was the same as before. And it seemed like every other song on the radio was speaking to me in a way. I could relate to things like "can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now...".

It's funny, though, how time goes on, you go through the motions of grieving and healing, and the songs change like your feelings and your life change. You go from "You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe When you're with 'em You meet and neither one of you even know what hit 'em Got that warm fuzzy feeling Yeah, them chills you used to get 'em Now you're getting fucking sick of looking at 'em You swore you'd never hit 'em; never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face spewing venom in your words when you spit them" to something like "Now I know you're sorry, and we were sweet, But you chose lust when you deceived me. And you'll regret it, but it's too late. How can I ever trust you again? I feel like our world's been infected, And somehow you left me neglected. We've found our lives been changed. Babe, you lost me" and "You were my fire, so I burned... til' there was nothing left of me I... I touched your face, I held you close... til' I could barely breathe Why give me hope, then give me up... just to be the death of me. We never made it... you hesitated..." to something more like "even angels have their wicked schemes, and you take that to new extremes. but you’ll always be my hero, even though you’ve lost your mind. ‘cause you feed me fables from your hand with violent words and empty threats. and it’s sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied" to the latest songs, like "It took so long just to feel alright. Remember how to put back the light in my eyes. I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed, ‘Cause you broke all your promises. Who do you think you are? Runnin' 'round leaving scars. Collecting a jar of hearts. Tearing love apart. You're gonna catch a cold From the ice inside your soul". Funny, isn't it? You can almost see it go from sadness to grieving to moving on. And these are just a small sample of the soundtrack of my life right now.

I don't think that everyone has such an intense personal connection to music. I've tried to explain it to a couple of people, and for the most part, they just kind of look at me like they think I'm reading too much into it, or finding something in it when there isn't. But I've come to realize that it's just a difference in personalities. A difference in lifestyle, perhaps. Because I have had musical "kindred spirits" in life. I have come across people who really get it. People who love music as much as I do, and who live through it the way I do. It's so great when you meet someone like that. And even better when you can share music with each other. It's so cool to talk to someone like that when they're talking about songs, bands, and artists they feel so connected to. I don't come across many people like that.

And, ultimately, maybe that's the only thing I really miss about the ex. The musical kindred spirit. Not that we had the same taste in music, per se, but that we both loved it so much and it was such an important part of both of our lives. But that's certainly not a reason to stay in touch with someone. It's not a reason to be involved with someone. It's not a reason to tolerate someone who is intolerable. I found music before him, and I will continue to find music after him. I'm grateful for the music we shared, and he did turn me on to some bands, songs, and artists that I might not have found on my own, but that could have happened anyhow. And most of his music was very angry, hateful, dark, and twisted music. Not saying it wasn't good sometimes, but it wasn't me. It didn't "fit" me the way it did him. Maybe that was another red flag I ignored? But that's all water under the bridge now. Kind of like this song says for me:



"and time after time
a man who couldn't be a man
I'm alone but I'm alive
and been taught to believe whats meant to be...will be"